Agent Lucius flopped down in his chair. “Great. I’ll never be able to eat bacon again.” He glared at his partner. “Thanks for that, Drew.”
Drew stuck his tongue out at his partner. “No worries, mate.” He giggled. “It was a good movie, though.”
Lucius sighed. “Yes. Yes it was. Now if you’ll excuse me, all of this education has tired me out.” He ignored Drew’s snickers, and stretched out in his chair.
Which, of course, set off the inevitable.
Drew got up and wandered over to the console. “Didn’t I specifically warn you about taking naps? Because I’m pretty sure I did.” He checked the screen. “Oh, great. Another Zombieland fic.”
Lucius looked up. “Oh gods. How’s it looking?”
“Well, it only involves OC.” He grimaced. “Which means that, while we won’t have to put up with character defamation, we will have to do extra work.” He paused. “Oh, hey! It takes place in Canada! I’m from Canada!”
“You’re going to be saying that throughout the whole mission, aren’t you?”
“I make no promises about promising not to!” Drew glanced at the screen again. “Alright, it’s in first person. We’re going to need a dummy. There’s one underneath my chair. Be a dear and grab it for me, will you?” He glanced at his partner to make sure that his orders had been carried out, then fiddled with the portal for a minute. “Alrighty, let’s go!”
Amy and Kailee are normal girls living a normal life in a normal town in a normal city, in a normal country, going to a normal school. So all in all life is pretty damn boring. Until one day their lives are changed forever(wow that was pretty cheesy). that day was the day zombieland proved real (we know what your thinking but we are not plagiarizing the plot, character roles or anything but the name of the movie "zombieland" and the idea that zombies exist. P.S. Zombies don't run. The muscles are dead and they can't heal once they have stretched, a thing 'Zombieland' got wrong. )
Drew began to twitch slightly.
Lucius facepalmed. “Thirteenthdammit, even I can recognise what is wrong with that. Aside from the spelling and grammar, there’s the fact that Zombieland!zombies are infected, not undead. So, that makes the whole premise stupid.” He smiled smugly. “Wait, you were writing that down, right?”
Drew nodded. “Yeah. Give me a minute, my handwriting takes a while.”
P.S. Hot guys involved!(your welcome ;)
“I do not want this welcome. Please take it back.” Drew scowled. “Alright, the next chapter is where the first-person tomfoolery begins, so you should activate the dummy.” He blinked. “I don’t actually know how to do that, so you’re on your own there.”
Lucius fiddled with the dummy for a few minutes before managing to inflate it properly. “Basically, the moral of this story is that we are both highly incompetent.”
His partner nodded. “Pretty much, yeah.”
His arms wrapped strongly around my waist. I felt him start to lean in for the kiss. I have been waiting for this kiss for four years and it was finally happening. My heartbeat quickened. I closed my eyes and leaned in further. Almost there...anytime now...here it comes...
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Lucius blinked. “Did... Did we just get saved from a sloppy-makeout scene by a new mission?”
“It’s called an alarm clock, you twit.”
I landed on the chilled wood floor with a thump. "Oouuuch." I moaned "Damn." I thought of my life at the moment as pretty pointless so I decided not try for a while. So I just lay there.
Lucius cocked his head. “Most people I know are like that when they get up.”
“Drew, you scare me quite a bit. Your habits don’t count here.”
I stood sleepily in front of the girl with fair complexion and thegolden brown hair that hung in long strands draping messily around her small face. Her green eyes stared back harshly. The light purple rings under them created the perfect effects needed to make her look like a raccoon. People sometimes say that the way you look on outside doesn't mean you feel that way on the inside, however in my case it was. I felt like crap and guess what I looked like it too.
“What... Drew, was that supposed to make sense-oh dear thirteenth I am asking you if something makes sense. There is something wrong with this.”
Drew broke into a highly off-key warble. “I’m looking at the maaaan in the mirror!”
“I swear you get less sane by the minute. When you go back to being lucid, could you write down a charge for creating compound words where there should not be compound words? Also, having paradoxical hair due to improper spacing.”
“Okey-dokey Doctor Jonesy!”
“Oh, nothing!” Drew took advantage of the Sue’s departure to look at himself in the mirror. His eyes widened. “Holy crap I have haaaaaaaaaaaaaairrrr!”
“Yes, Drew. Yes you do. Your mother would be proud.”
“No, man, you don’t get it. I haven’t really looked at myself since a couple of weeks into the outbreak. My hair has gone from being shaved off to being almost to my shoulders. I somehow didn’t notice this.” He pulled at his head slightly. “Also, it’s pretty greasy.”
"Good morning honey. " My mom said very optimistically.
"I find 'good morning' a contradiction of terms in these circumstances." I tossed over my shoulder as I passed tiresomely.
“...Something is incredibly off about this paragraph.”
Drew bounced up and down happily. “I am very mad!”
“Inappropriate emoting for the situation is a charge, right?”
“Write it down.”
Drew tapped his partner on the top of the head. “You’re forgetting about the fact that she tossed an evidently nonexistent... wossname over her shoulder.”
Lucius stared at his partner. “Thirteenth! You’re not an idiot!”
Drew smiled. “You’d be surprised at how many people are surprised by that. I know I was!”
I got to school just as the bell rang. I took my seat next to my best friend Kailee.
“I spoke in stilted sentences. I was very mad.”
Drew giggled. “Danger Will Robinson!”
“...What the hell did you just do with your voice?”
Lucius rubbed his temples. “You know what? I just don’t care anymore.”
"I know,I know. I'm sorry I promise I'll wake up on time tomorrow."I said although I knew in the back of my mind I wouldn't. 379
“Wanton cruelty to the common comma! THREE SEVEN NINE!” Drew giggled.
We entered the gym and took our seats as usual,but what I found unusual was that most of the schools staff look nervous and almost scared. Worried perhaps.
I ignored it.
Pulling out my iPod and began to surf the net.
I typed my favourite celebrity gossip site into the search bar.
Then it appeared in bold black letters at the top of the web page.
THE APOCCOLIPSE IS HERE, It read. I quickly scrolled down the page to read the article.
I skimmed over the tiny black text. It said that the dead were now walking among us. What did that mean?
“It means you’re surrounded by zombies, you daft twit!” Drew shook his fist at the Sue.
“Gah. These paragraphs are intolerable.”
“Already wrote the charge down.”
I read farther. It explained how zombies now walked among us. I took it as a joke. Obviously it wasn't real. There were no such thing as zombies.
Drew seethed. “TELL THAT TO TOM YOU BLOODY FNORFING IIIIIIIIIDIOT!”
Lucius flinched back from his partner. “Drew, calm down.” He put a hand on Drew’s shoulder. “Don’t let them get to you, mate.”
My eyes widened as I saw the most horrible sight. It resembles a person but it's flesh looked eaten away and clawed at. Black fluid spewed from it's mouth. It's clothes were torn and i could hear the faint noises it was making. Then I realized what it was ,I turned quickly to Kailee grabbing hold of her arm as I did ."We have to ."
“We have to what?”
“That is what happens when you tempt fate, you ASSHAT!”
So this chapter was written by Emily, and we both hope you liked it! please review!
“What is it with Suethors and in-text author’s notes, anyways?”
“It’s because they are all fnorfing twits, clearly.” He glanced briefly at the next chapter. “Oh dear Armok. There’s an army of the daft buggers.”
I nodded and motioned to Teagan, Carman and Jordan. They followed us to the back, where we got my little sisters, Jessamine, tall with short brown hair; twelve and in grade six, and Allyssa, small with curly gold hair; Eleven years old, and in the third grade.
Mr. Forrest, Teag's dad, and Aidrean, Amy's brother, followed us as well, when we pointed out the zombie. We tried not to get the attention of anyone, so nobody would follow us, or start to panic. When we had gotten to the far side of the gym, away from the zombie who happened to be blocking the closest exit to the stairs, we stopped.
"We should get some weapons from the wood floor gym." I suggested. The others nodded and I led the way. When we got there, I was surprised to find that the doors were open. I hurried inside and passed out some baseball bats -the metal kind- and some hockey sticks. I figured, we could come get some more when thing settle down a little.
When the rest were all armed, me with a choice bat, and the others with various forms of clubs, Mr. Forrest came up with a plan of action.
"Well, since the stairs are where the zombies are, we're going to need to go past them to get to teh stairs. We definately wont go outside, we'll just attract more here. I figure, we pretend to be zombies until we get out of sight at the stairs. Zombies don't attack their own for some reason."
“...How the hell are we going to deal with all of these?”
Drew scratched his chin. “Well, they all go into the same room, along with even more bits, and a Stu named Drew.” He sighed. “In there, we should be able to kill ‘em all.”
“They’ve got weapons, though.”
“Lucius, they’ve got bats. You’ve got more knives than clothes, and I’ve got a shotgun and an assault rifle. I think we can take them.”
When I opened the door and went through, I saw some people in the room. They looked up and my eyes widened. I waited until the door was shut and locked to raise an eyebrow and exclaim "Drew?" While the other girls each fired off a name
Drew smirked and mimicked my voice "Kailee?"
I scowled. He looked insanely hot and all, yummy browned skin, dark curly hair, chocolate brown eyes, 6'3''... sigh. I tried not to let my reaction to him show, something that I had gotten really very good at. "Happy to see me then?" I smiled fakely.
Lucius looked at his partner and snickered.
“Oh, shut up. Lets get killing them over and done with.”
“Do we have enough to charge them?”
“I don’t care, I’m not putting up with ‘tall, dark, handsome’ jokes from you. Just let me deal with him, mmkay?” Without waiting for a response, he pulled out his shotgun, and entered the room.
Lucius sighed, and followed his partner.
The Sues and bit characters looked up, startled by the intrusion.Drew smiled. “Aaaaalright, yeh twits! Listen up, ‘cause it’s time for zombie-killing lessons with Agents Drew and Lucius!” He gestured with his shotgun. “This here is a Mossberg 500 shotgun. Good for close-up headshots and whatnot. And this... hang on, let me get it out.” He passed the shotgun to Lucius, and pulled a rifle from it’s back holster. “This, on the other hand, is a Tavor GTAR-21 assault rifle. It’s good for situations like this.” He cleared his throat.
“Amy and Kailee, you are charged with being Mary Sues, being even more insufferable than I was at your age, horrifically bad spelling and grammar, annoying PPC agents, bizarre sentences, tempting fate in an unnecessary fashion, dull-surprise-class acting, and generally being miserable twits.” He looked up. “The rest of you are charged with being accomplices. You are sentenced to die via highly irritated insane person.” He looked at Lucius. “Am I forgetting anything?”Lucius stared at the flock of Sues, Stus, and bit characters. “Do any of you have any last words?”
Amy spoke up. “Uhhh, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we outnumber you.”
Drew smiled. “Hm. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve got bats. My comrade here has more knives than I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and I’ve got an assault rifle.” His smile grew. “I think we’ve got the upper hand here.” He paused. “I am very mad.”
Amy looked at the Tavor. “What, are you compensating for something?”
“I am compensating for your mother. Lucius, do your knife thing.”
Half a minute later, three people remained standing. Drew was reloading the Tavor, grumbling something about partners and ammunition. Lucius was calmly wiping Sue-blood off onto one of the bit character’s shirt. Stu-Drew stood in the corner, looking very frightened.
Drew glanced at his partner. “Hey, man, can I borrow a knife?”
Lucius nodded absent-mindedly, and tossed a knife to Drew, who proceeded to fumble the catch.
“Bugger, I nicked my thumb.” He stared pointedly at Stu-Drew, and smiled. “You got a purty mouth.”
Stu-Drew’s eyes widened. In the background, Lucius froze.
“You are not going to do what I think you are going to do.”
Drew’s smile widened. “I bet you could squee- no, wait, no, that’s taking the reference a bit too far. No. Not going there.” He winced. “Not even me.”
Lucius looked relieved. “Gods, I was worried there.”
Drew continued smiling. “No, I’m just going to put a smile on that face.”
Several minutes later, the pair looked down at the body.
“If you ever do anything that creepy ever again, I will stab you.”
“Wait, I forgot one thing!”
“Oh god you’re going to take his, aren’t you?”
“No, I forgot my machete.” He sighed, and looked at the corpse. “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!” He looked back at Lucius. “Alright, let’s go home.”
“So. What are we going to do now?”
“Drew, I’m tired, and I just watched you being insanely creepy. I am going to take a nap.
“Ooh! I have an idea! There’s this awesome Flash series you have to watch! It’s all about the insanity!”
Lucius rubbed his temples. “This had better be quick...”
[A/N: Man, another painful fic. This one was even harder to read than the last one. Anyways, thanks to DML for creative consulting, and to Caddy, Flare, and Bryn for betaing.]