Lucius grimaced. “Seriously? The series ends there? Damn, it was getting awesome, too! I mean, with the clown! And the thing! Damn!”
Drew shrugged. “Meh. Dude who does these has a tendency to break his promises regarding future animations.” He paused, then shot a confused glance in his partner’s direction. “Also, you really didn’t seem to be following much aside from the ‘bluh, people getting killed’ bit.”
“Wait, you mean there was actual plot in there?”
Drew sighed. “Eh. I’ll explain it to you when you’re less tired.”
His partner nodded. “That seems fair.” A pause. “Whatever, I’m taking a nap right here. And if you try to wake me up, I will stab you.”
“Awwwww, is poow widdle Wucius tiiiiiired?”
Poow widdle Wucius scowled. “Yes. Yes he is. You might not need to sleep, but all of us normal people do.”
Drew giggled. “Well, don’t let me get in the way of your wacky normal people hijinks! You go take that nap!”
Lucius nodded dully, and proceeded to curl up on the floor.
This being the PPC, the room immediately filled with the blaring of the console.
“I WARNED YOU ABOUT NAPS BRO!”
Lucius glared at his partner. “You shut up. My knifing threat still stands.”
Drew sighed. “Well, if you’re going to be a sleepy-headed jerk, I guess I’ll just prep for the mission while you nap. Don’t expect to get the good weapons.”
Lucius nodded. “Thanks, mate.”
Sometime later, Lucius woke up, finding himself face-to-face with a rather irate looking Drew.
“Holy Thirteenth that is not what I wanted to wake up to.”
He stood up groggily, taking a couple of seconds to process what his partner had said. “Oh gods. What did the Suethor do this time?”
Drew continued scowling. “Actually, the incoherent bluhing about was directed at you, Captain Can’t-spot-the-plot.”
Lucius stared at Drew groggily. “Drew, what the hell are you talking about?”
“We’ve got a badfic set in Madness Combat. It’s not a Suefic, this time. We’ve got full on possession. Of Hank and Sanford.”
“Wait, both Hank and Sanfor-” Lucius pondered this for a moment. “When’s it set?”
Drew sighed. “Supposedly, after the end of the series. It’s got pointless speculation, which is pointed out via an in-line authors note, as well as Hank still having the claw on his arm after the end of the series. Also, the author makes him into a psychotic manchild.” He stood up, and wandered over to the console. “You’ve been asleep for a couple of hours, so I took the liberty of making some preparations.”
Lucius stood up and stretched. “What kind of preparations?”
Drew nodded absent-mindedly. “Yeah, still have to find that.”
Lucius paused. “No, Drew, I mean what preparations have you made?”
Drew jerked around. “Oh! Sorry, I was trying to think of what we’re going to use for canon materials.” He scratched his chin. “Anyways, I’ll worry about that after I’ve brought you up to speed.”
“Alright. How do we perform an exorcism?”
“Well, that’s one of the things I’ve had to prep for. Basically, we need a candle, a book, and a bell. We also have to draw a chalk circle around the canons.”
Lucius suddenly looked worried. “We’re going to have to knock out Hank?”
Drew grimaced. “Yeah. And, I’m not entirely certain, but I’m pretty sure that either Hank or Sanford are character replacements. I’ve got each of us a CAD, just in case.” He shook his head. “Man, even if they are replacements, they’d be bloody hard to kill.”
“So, basically, it is entirely likely that one or more of us might die in the process of killing this thing.”
Drew nodded. “Yeah. However, to minimise the chances of us dying, we’re heading in as A.T.P Agents!” He threw his arms up in mock celebration. “So, I’ve got the bell, and the candle. However, the book needs to be canon material. This is the main problem here, as, well, it’s kind of hard to get canon materials when the canon in question is an animation series. On the Internet.”
Lucius perked up. “Don’t you have the entire series on your laptop?”
Drew stared at his partner. “...I will shoot you, man.”
“Well, if you can’t get your hands on some canon material, I’m pretty sure that using something that has the series itself on it will work!”
“Oh! You have the soundtrack on there, too! I think that’d be a bonus!”
His partner grinned. “I mean, it’s not like we’ve got anything else!
“Alright! Fine! Geeze! We’ll use the bloody laptop!” He stopped scratching his chin. “It is going to break. You are going to get me a replacement. I will bite you if you don’t.” He paused. “Also, you have to learn how to use the portal generator.”
Several false starts later, the portal to the fic was successfully opened.
“It’s short, so get your CAD at the ready.”
Lucius scowled. “Drew. It took you an hour to teach me how to use the portal generator. I don’t think I’m going to pick up how to use it any time soon.”
Drew turned on his heel to face his partner. “Dude. You just point it at the character. It’s not that hard to noodle through.”
"Not now Hank"
"Hank! Not now!"
"HANK!...Look, Go to your room. Please, Daddy needs time alone"
"...I love you Daddy"
"I know Hank...I know"
Sanford sighed heavily; it wasn't easy being a single parent, not since that day. Ever since The Auditor had tripped up on a banana skin and died, (Slight guess of how The Auditor will be defeated, there!) Sanford had finally retired from the agency in which he and Deimos and Hank had been part of.
Drew flinched at the in-line Author’s note, then glanced at his CAD. “Ah, crap. Sanford’s a replacement.” He nodded to himself. “Well, that’s not surprising, considering what happens later.”
“Drew? You’re really not going to like this, buuuut, we’re going to have to kill Hank, as well.”
Drew paused. The pause continued for several seconds. “Well, uh, shit.”
How he missed him.
“Drew? Is this going where I think it’s going?”
“Yes. I have no idea how it does that, I wasn’t aware that they even had sexuality, but, y’know, whatever.”
Sanford had loved Deimos like a younger brother, but Deimos could be so ignorant. Sanford remembered their last mission together; Deimos had taken a dead A.T.P agents mask and tried to scare Sanford. But that was in the past now, Sanford now had to look after Hank, who was still a giant with a huge mutant claw for a hand. He was a moron, an IQ of only 3...And yet, he was powerful, he had killed the Mag V.3 agent without too much difficulty, he was also still extremely aggressive, if he were to misplace his Bob the builder drinking cup,, Then Sanford would have to bring out "Mr Sparkles" a sock puppet and the mutant Hank's fave toy to calm him right down.
Lucius grimaced. “Oh dear Thirteenth. What is wrong with this author?”
Drew’s response was slightly less measured than his partner’s. With his fingers jammed into his ears, he began to sing in a very weak voice. “I like it, I’m not gonna crack, I miss you, I’m not gonna crack, I love you, I’m not gonna crack, I killed you, I’M NOT GONNA CRACK!”
Lucius grabbed his partner by the shoulders. “Keep it down, mate. We’ll be okay! We will get through this!”
“Not alive, we won’t.”
Sanford rubbed his template slowly, he just couldn't cope with the stress, and he needed a miracle to get him out of this depression. He could go fishing, after all, he was a champion at that, and no other person could catch agents like him, he was a master of the hook. But then he knew he wouldn't be able to, he had sold his hook to make money to pay to look after Hank.
Sanford finally made his mind up. He got up and went into his private office room. On the walls were many different pictures of him and Deimos, laughing...Having a good time. At first he and Deimos had once had normal lives, but that changed quickly, but Sanford remembered, he remembered his and Deimos 1st mission together.
Drew had switched songs now. “I’m not giving in to security under pressure, I’m not missing out on the promise of adventure...”
Lucius sighed, and mentally noted the charge for later.
"I was watching you fight...When we had to stop the agent's building that tank, your skills...You were amazing...and I...I..."
"Spit it out Deimos, i don't wanna hear your whiny voice forever"
"I'm sorry Sanford! But I can't hide it!"
"YOU FUCKING FREAK!"
"Please Sanford! Why are you always so cold? Why can't you just be a little more supportive for me!
"BECAUSE, I HATE YOU! I HATE WORKING WITH YOU! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE A FUCKING JOKE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MISSION! I NEARLY DIED WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING THAT TANK WHILE I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT!"
"...I'm sorry Sanford"
“Drew, what the hell am I looking at?”
“Mental wounds still screaming, life’s a bitter shame...” He trailed off into silence.
Lucius looked concerned. “It’s going to be okay, man. We’ll pull through this.”
His partner sat down and put his head in his hands. “Dear Armok. How is it possible to do this much damage to a canon that has pretty much no rules? It’s insane!” He looked up at Lucius. “I have an idea for killing Hank.”
Lucius sat down as well. “What is it?”
“Okay, so, Sanford is a normal person, pretty much. He’s a skilled fighter, though. So, clearly, we have to get to him before he has a chance to react. I’ve got the Mossberg, and that’ll take most of his brain clear out. So, you read the charges, and I’ll sneak up behind him.”
“And for Hank?”
“Well, that’s the difficult bit. I doubt that the replacement will be anywhere near as tough as he is in the actual series.” He handed Lucius his machete. “So, I’ll do as much as I can with the shotgun. Your job is to finish him off, and then get the claw-hand off with this. He shouldn’t have that, so it’ll probably help us find where the plothole that the real Sanford and Hank are hidden in.”
Lucius nodded. “Alright. You sure you can handle this, mate?”
Drew smiled. “More than sure. Just follow my lead.”
Sanford looked down from the pictures on the wall, that 1st mission had been when Deimos had looked at Sanford and told the truth, though they never had talked about it again...
Sanford sat down at his desk, and took off his sunglasses and put them on the desk; the light soon was shining off them as the new sun began to set. Soon Sanford found himself fallen asleep...
"Sanford! Wake up!"
"Thank fuck! You're alive! We were hit by a fallen building, it must
have been the improbability drive"
"The...Higher...Powers...Must of...Been...Deimos...Help me up"
"Sure...Fuck, your bleeding heavily..."
"You're lying Deimos...Please...Hank is not dead...He can't be...FUUUUCK!...THOSE 1337 AGENTS ARE GOING TO FUCKING PAY!"
Sanford woke up.
Lucius grimaced. “It’s bad enough that the canon characters that are in the story have been replaced. I really didn’t need the extra bad writing.”
Drew continued smiling.
“Drew, that is an incredibly creepy smile. Please stop it.”
Sanford picked up Deimos's hat off the desk, he had picked it up when He and Hank had watched The Auditor die.
Finally, Sanford couldn't hold it in anymore.
He threw the hat across the room and stood up, he grabbed the desk and flipped it over, sending pictures and Sanford's glasses flying, he then began to smash the pictures on the floor, the glass flying all over the floor.
"WHY! WHY HANK! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL THAT FUCKING BOOM BOX GUY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE! DEIMOS WOULD BE ALIVE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FUCKING RETARD!"
Hank had walked in to the office to see his daddy screaming and throwing things around. This confused Hank deeply. Why was his daddy getting so worked up? Was this his own fault?
Sanford looked up and lifted his hands up, he saw his hands were covered in his own blood and were shaking slightly.
"Daddy...I wanted to show you something..."
"W...What is it Hank?"
Hank's normal hand had been hiding behind his back, but now he pulled it out, and in his hand...was a white piece of paper. Hank's eyes, which were covered by his large red goggles, were slightly stinging, as he was trying hard not to cry, he wanted to be brave for his daddy.
Drew’s smile widened. “We should take those goggles as a trophy.”
Lucius looked moderately disconcerted. “Drew... You’re really freaking me out. Seriously, stop it.”
Sanford took the piece of paper and looked at it. On it, was a picture, it was a very crude drawing but he could see it what it was quite clearly. Hank had drawn Sanford himself with Hank, they were holding hands and Hank had given him a big smile, two arrows pointed to them with the words "DADDY" and "ME" at the end of them.
Sanford looked up from the drawing at his mental son, his hands continuing to shake. For a few seconds they said nothing, but it felt like a lifetime for the two heroes, but then Hank broke the silence.
"Daddy...Hank sorry...For you...You Angry with Hank cuz of De-mo?"
Sanford knew Hank was talking about Deimos, maybe he wasn't as stupid as Deimos had programmed him to be, and maybe Deimos had given Hank something else when he had thrown him into that machine.
Maybe...He had given Hank emotions and feelings for others...
Of course...That would be a thing Deimos would do...Because he had loved Sanford.
Finally, Sanford couldn't hold it in, he went over to his son and wrapped his hands around Hank and hugged him, he then began to cry.
"Hank...I love you son...don't you ever fucking forget that...I will always love you...because your my son, nothing can change that"
"I love you too daddy..."
Drew tapped Lucius on the shoulder. “Alright, let’s go!”
Lucius swallowed. “Alright! Good luck, mate!” With that, he stepped between Hank and Sanford.
“Sanford, last name unknown, you are charged with replacing a canon character, inserting sexuality into a canon in which it has no place, except perhaps in certain non-canonical side animations, making Hank into your son, making Hank into a complete idiot, thereby replacing him, irritating PPC agents, and generally being a jerk.”
With that, a shot rang out.
The replacement Sanford slumped to the floor.
“Oh gods. I’m covered in brains.” Lucius sighed, and turned to Hank.
“Hank, you are charged with being a replacement of Hank J. Wimbleton, and, well, pretty much the same things as Sanford. Oh, and with being a total woobie of a character who really should not be a woobie.” He turned to Drew. “Alright, mate, do your thing!”
Several more shots rang out, followed by a bloodcurdling scream.
Lucius rushed over to his partner. “Oh, shit! Drew!”
Drew collapsed. “Kill him! Kill the bloody spare!” He waved Lucius off.
“You’ve been impaled!”
“Oh, really? I hadn’t noticed!” Drew slumped down in a slowly growing puddle of yellow blood. “Cut his arm off, then, I don’t know, get through his ribcage or something” He grimaced. “...Man, this doesn’t hurt as much as you’d expect it to.”
There were some wet thunks as Lucius got to work. After about a quarter of a minute, there was a significantly louder thump as the replacement Hank hit the ground.
Drew nodded weakly, staring at the claw protruding from his stomach. “Alright. That’s good.” He gestured at a spot near his feet. “My blood’s disappearing into there. That’s probably where the plothole is. Grab Sanford, pull him out, then portal Hank out.” He held up two pairs of sunglasses, and a longish, silver object. “I set the Neuralyzer to blank them out for the duration of the fic. Put on the sunglasses, and hit the button.”
Lucius swallowed again. “Alright. I’ll get right on that.” He shot a worried glance at his partner. “Just... stay with me, mate.”
Several minutes later, Lucius was grabbing his partner by the arm. “Alright. I’m going to portal us directly to medical.”
Drew was panting by this point. “Wait. Get the goggles.”
Lucius paused. “Drew, you’re not thinking strai-”
Drew punched him weakly. “Hey, I’m the boss here. Get the Armokdamned goggles.”
“The mission was going so well! I mean... I... we charged the one an- and then...” Lucius desperately tried to explain the recent events of the mission to the doctor. “There was the shooting, I mean, that was good, and it weakened the bugger, but then-” He took a long shuddering breath. “Claw, right... Right through the stoma-”
“Guys?” Drew looked up weakly.
Lucius whipped around to face his partner. “Drew, don’t... Don’t talk, mate. Save your strength.”
Drew shook his head. “Guys... I... uh... I’m... I’m not bleeding.” He stood up shakily.
Lucius stopped looking panicky for a brief second. “That’s... uh...”
Drew raised his arms. “Well... uh.. this... it’s not blood.”
Indeed, Drew’s arms and stomach weren’t covered with blood, as one might expect.
Instead, they were covered with a different liquid.
A thick, black ooze.
The blood of a zombie.