[DISCLAIMER! I do not own the PPC (Jay and Acacia own that), Zombieland (Owned by Columbia Pictures), the fic in question (New Kid, written by 1RandomPenguin) or Pulp Fiction (Miramax). Be forewarned that there is some language, most of it in the fic itself.]
Agent Lucius looked around helplessly. “Where the hell is RC 43042? This place is a labyrinth!” He paused. “Eh. I’ll just duck into the first RC I see and ask for directions.”
After several minutes of walking without finding anything, he decided to review the information folder he was given.
“Alright, my RC is 43042 –Already knew that- and my partner is Agent Drew Charles. Doesn’t sound too ba-OW!” Due to the bizarre properties of HQ, Lucius had unknowingly walked into a door.
“Thirteenth! That door wasn’t there a minute ago!” Suddenly, the door opened, and Lucius was smacked sharply upside the head with a rather large boot.
“Hallo! You must be Agent Sievert! I was waiting for you!” A male figure stood in the now open doorway, sticking his hand out. “I’m Agent Andrew Charles, but if you call me Andrew, I’ll stab your kneecaps off!” He winked. “I only answer to Drew.” He ushered Lucius into the RC. “Sit down! Make yourself at home!”
“I… uh…” Lucius looked thoroughly confused. “What was with the boot to the head? How did you know I was me? What the hell is going on?”
That is how I greet people! It makes it easier to tell if they’re zombies or not.” Drew nodded sagely. “No idea about your other questions, though.” He sat down in one of the chairs by the console and spun about in it. “So, where are you from?”
Lucius paused. “Continuum or place of residence?”
“Both! In that order!” Drew beamed, then stopped spinning. “Okay, I’m getting dizzy.”
Lucius nodded. “Well, I’m from Gentleman Bastards. I used to be one of the Right People of Camorr, but I doubt that that will mean anything to you.”
Drew stood up wobbily. “Actually, it does. I’ve read the book. I’m assuming you were in a gang?"
Lucius blinked. “Yes. Yes I was.” He paused. “Mind if I ask you the same question?”
“Not at all, good sir, not at all.” Drew grinned. “I’m from World War Z. It’s got zombies. I didn’t have a home, though. The zed-heads kind of mucked that up.” He continued grinning. “It is good to have a partner again! I was getting anxious waiting for you!”
“Oh, you aren’t a new agent?”
“No, I am, it’s just-“
Suddenly, the console beeped shrilly. Lucius clamped his hands to his ears.
“Thirteen gods! Why is it so loud?”
Drew scratched his chin. “To attract zed-heads. Clearly.” He checked the console.
“First Mission?” Lucius peered over Drew’s shoulder. “Zombieland? That any relation to your ‘verse?”
Drew began frothing lightly. “HURGFSTLE!”
“...I take it you know the continuum.”
“FNAAARGH!”
“And that it’s bad.”
“HARGLEBLARGLESNARF!”
Lucius nodded. “I’m assuming you’ll want this one.”
“FSJFNARF!”
Lucius continued to nod. “Right, I’ll get the portal open.” He stared at the generator. “If you’ll give me a moment...” He paused. “Drew, could you snap out of it for a moment? I’ve no idea how to use this thing.”
“FNORF!” Drew hit the switch, opening the portal.
“...Are you finished yet?”
Drew smiled. “Yeah. I’ll be just fine.” He turned towards the portal. “Alright. You just point me at the Sue, and get the hell out of my way.”
The 4 found her walking in the middle of the road. She had a M16 slung over her shoulder with a small bag, and a pistol tucked in the waiste of her paints.
Drew gaped. “How... Wha-?”Lucius followed him out of the portal. “...Oh dear Thirteenth that should not be.”
“Generic paints! What say we grab them after this is done?”
“Meh. It’s the same colour as our RC anyways.”
Drew paused. “Oh. Right.” He brightened. “How ‘bout the Generic Pistol?”
Lucius marked something down on his charge sheet.
She was wearing black jeans, a dark purple paramore shirt, and leather boots that went up to her midcalf. She heard them coming from a mile away and waited for them her gun loaded. Little Rock was the first to get out of the car, followed by Wichita then Tallahasse and Columbus. The girl raised her gun.
“And shot herself in the face, saving all involved much character defamation.”Lucius watched a tiny zombie get out of the car.
“Wossat?”
“Presumably a mini. The author misspelled Tallahassee. I’m guessing that the minis in Zombieland are mini zombies of the misspelled Canon.”
Lucius nodded.
“Alright.”
"Calm down kid not gonna shoot ya. Who are you? No names just were you are going," Tallahassee told her. She eyed them and Little Rock nodded.
“Dear Armok, no. Just...FLAAAAARFLENARG!”
Lucius twitched slightly. “Is this in character?”
“Hell no! Tallahassee is a good deal more suspicious than that!”
Lucius wrote something down.
"Atlanta," she said lowering her gun. Little Rock smiled. This girl looked around her age. And she looked pretty cool. She had shoulder length dark brown hair with bangs and her eyes were brown too.
“Okay, now that is out of character.”
“How much so?”
Drew made a vague gesture. “Little Rock and Wichita have a ‘trust no-one but family’ thing going on.” He paused. “Columbus and Tallahassee also count as family.”
“Right.” Lucius continued writing.
"Im Little Rock, thats my sister Wichita and those two are Columbus and Tallahasse," She told Atlanta who just nodded. "You can travel with us if you want. Please come with us," Little Rock told her and Tallahassee glared at her.
Lucius giggled. “Tallahassee is disappointed.”“Damn right! That is so out of character, it’s ridiculous!”
Lucius paused. “Wait, for who?”
“Little Rock.” He glared at the Sue.
"Wait! Survivors are suposed to stick together come on! Come with us!" Little Rock ran infront of her. Atlanta rolled her eyes.
“NO. NO. NO. WRONG. NO. NO. NO!”
“Out of character?”
“Severely!”
Lucius continued writing.
"Look I am better off alone sorry,"
"No your not! With us you can sleep without worrying, we have a car, and food!" Wichita said walking to stand next to her sister. Atlanta looked up at her.
"And kid your pretty small so you need protection," Columbus added. Atlanta glared.
"You calling me short?" She said glaring up at him.
"Well you are shorter than Little Rock and shes short. So yes he is," Tallahassee added. Atlanta rolled her eyes.
“FNOOOORRRRFF!”
“FNAAAARF!”
Drew cuffed Lucius over the head. “Oi! Only I may do that!”
Lucius rubbed the back of his head. “Okay! Fine! Geez!”
"Come on! Come with us!" Little Rock begged again.
"Allright fine," She gave in and got in the car. Little Rock attacked her with questions.
The agents watched with mild interest as Little Rock began smacking Atlanta with question marks.Drew giggled. “Not going to lie, but that is the funniest thing I have seen in year-” He thought for a moment. “Months. Funniest thing I have seen in months.”
Lucius pondered the scene for a moment.
“That’s a charge, right?”
“I do believe it is.”
"Coooool! Me to! Have you gone through...you know?"
"No I don't know," She said.
"You know thing thing...that happens when you get older..." Little Rock said akwardly. Atlanta laughed.
"You mean puberty! Yep," She laughed again seeing how uncomfortable Little Rock looked.
“What.”Lucius cocked his head.
“Let us never speak of this again.”
“What.”
Tallahassee pulled over at a gas station and they all got out of the car Columbus in charge of getting gas. The rest of them going into the store. There were a few zombies Atlanta killed one by kicking it in its side then smashing its head with the butt of her gun.
Drew looked pained. “NO!”Lucius glanced at his partner. “Hm?”
“It’s hard to do that in my home continuum, and we’ve got the slow zombies! You kick one, it’ll grab your foot! And probably bite it.”
“Charge?”
Drew pondered this for a moment. “Yeah. She’s thirteen, she really shouldn’t be able to do that.”
“Alright.”
"So what are we doing in here anyway," She asked sitting in the counter and opening a pack of gum.
"Well Tal is insane. He is obsessed with finding a goddamned Twinkie," Wichita said sitting next to her.
"You're joking right?"
"I wish I was,"
"O my god, thats... I don't how to respond to that," They laughed and LIttle Rock sat with them.
Lucius glanced at the LIttle Rock mini. “Charge. Also, what is a Twinkie, and why is Tallahassee looking for one?”
“That’s in character for Tallahassee. Pity ‘bout the abhorrent grammar.”
Lucius nodded. The duo watched as the five found a house to settle down in for the night. Drew grimaced at this. “They’d usually stay in the car. Although, there is precedent for this.”
“...Charge?”
“Yes. They only stayed in one house throughout the entire movie. I think it’s mostly because, well, you’re not going to have a zombie in your car. Provided you check the backseat.”
"Ill keep watch im used to not sleeping so you guys can just sleep," Atlanta told them. They all muttered a thanks before spliting up into different rooms. Columbus and Tallahassee took the two rooms upstairs. Wichita and Little Rock stayed up with her for a few hours just talking and getting to know each other.
Both agents screamed in unison.Lucius cringed. “That. Was. Horrendous.”
Drew curled up in a ball and whimpered. Immediately after this, they were hit by a low-flying block of exposition.
"Naw its ok. I lost everyone obviously. But I wasn't really close with any of them. Maybe my brother a little. But I never really liked anyone and I hated them all. But when I heard this apocalypse was happening my mom tryed to keep us all together but my little sister got bit and no one would kill her and no one would let me. So she changed and attacked my family I heard all the screams and went to were they all were. She was eating and attacking them so I shot her and just left. Nothing you can do though. You just have to worry about your own survival and thats what I did. I went to find my dad even though I hated him, he had alot of guns and shit so I thought he would be alive but I had to kill him he was a zombie. I took some guns and just have been running ever since," She told them. She was completly fine not tearing up or anything. Wichita was amazed but she patted her shoulder anyway.
“DKFFFFFNAAAARGLEBRAFT!”Lucius looked concerned. “...Are you alright?”
Drew squinted at the words. “Yeah. I need new glasses, though.” He paused. “We kill this thing into chapter three.”
“Can’t take the heat?”
“Can’t take the mass character defamation.”
"What just cause im 13 means I have to act 13. We are in a fucking zombieland it makes you grow up. You don't have time for all that kid shit like Hannah Montana. I mean I never acted my own age though. My mom said I needed to act like a kid. But my dad said I just needed to grow the fuck up. I hated them. I was a fucked up kid even though i was 12," She laughed and shook her head. "Aww man its funny how bad I pissed them off though," She smiled and looked at Wichita. Wichita laughed.
Drew gaped. “Dear Armok let the pain stop!”Lucius also gaped. “Yeah, let’s kill this as soon as possible.”
Drew nodded. “Right.” He checked the Words. “Oh, sweet, this chapter ends soon.”
“That is nice.”
She was shoved and heard something yell so instinctively she punched out. She felt her fist connect with the mans cheek bone and she heard a sickening sound.
“What is this?”Drew remained silent.
“What’s up?”
“This is the part where Tallahassee gets yanked pretty OOC.”
“Oh.” Lucius grimaced.
"AH GodDAMN IT! Kid! What the hell!" Tallahassee screamed holding his hand to his face. Every one ran in.
"Oh my...! Im So sorry Tallahassee I didn't know it was you! Sorry!" Atlanta jumped out of the bed.
"Damn your strong kid. That hurt. Alot,"
"Here let me see Tal," Wichita told him. "Yep that's defiantly gonna bruise. It might actually be broken,"
“LFKDJSDF!”“Did... Did a thirteen-year-old just break a grown man’s jaw? Effortlessly? In her sleep?” Lucius paused for breath. “...Also, how the hell did you pronounce that?”
“FFFFNNRRRGGGKSFEH!”
“...I’m taking it that Tallahassee is one of your lust objects.”
“NARF!”
“And that he is absurdly out of character at the moment.”
“FLARBLARK!”
“Right. Charge.”
"I can't believe you broke your hand and Tallahassee's hand,"
Lucius watched in disgust as Tallahassee’s hand shifted from the end of his arm to his mouth. “Oh my. That does not look right.” He glanced over at his partner, who was writhing on the floor. “Aaaand you are out of commission. Brilliant.” He sighed.
"So guys when we are done eating I think we should head to a Wal-Mart or something. We need more supplies," Columbus all finished eating and packed there things into the car and headed down to the Wal-Mart.
Lucius grimaced. “That doesn’t even make sense.” He glanced at his now catatonic partner. “Oi. Portal to the Wal-Mart... Whatever that is.”“FLAAARFBFLR!”
"This sucks I wanna smash some zombies!" Atlanta complained as Tallahassee punched a zombie and smashed its head in. They went in and split up.
Drew perked up. “Hey, look, it’s real!Tallahassee, not wimp!Tallahassee! AH SMELL A GLIMMER OF HOPE!”“Tallahassee can punch in skulls with his bare hands?”
Drew slumped. “No. That’s not quite physically possible.”
“CHARGE!”
They walked down the isle of junk foods and they looked for something to eat.
Drew’s jaw dropped. He stared at the largest pile of junk food he had ever seen. It was indeed an isle of food, taking up most of the store.Lucius cocked an eyebrow. “Charge.”
“Dear sweet Armok that looks amazing. I have not seen actually candy in so long you have no idea.”
Lucius grabbed his partner’s collar. “And we are not to eat it. It’s a landmass, that could cause it to destabilise. Or something.” He paused. “Actually, I’ve no idea what I’m talking about.”
They watched as the group spread out through the store, looking at CDs and movies.
Drew flailed about. “THIS IS EATING MY BRAIN!”
“The grammar?”
“The everything!”
Lucius grinned. “Fair enough.” He glanced down at his charge list. “Hey, we’ve got enough to kill her, I believe.”
“KILL!”
“Indeed.” He glanced at Drew. “How about I charge her, you kill her?”
“KILL!”
“Right.”
As the quintet approached the entrance of the store, Lucius stepped out from behind the counter and cleared his throat.
“Atlanta, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, mucking with canon, annoying PPC agents, rendering a PPC agent catatonic, creating the minis Tallahasse and LIttle Rock, wanton cruelty to the common comma, grammar horrific enough to make any normal person’s brains leak out their ears, creating bizarre and improbable imagry with the Words, improbable feats of zombie killing, and generally being an annoying brat. Any last words?”
Atlanta looked stunned. “What.”
Drew jumped over the counter, brandishing a M1911. “Atlanta, what does Tallahassee look like?”
“What?”
“What country are you from?”
“What?”
“‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in ‘What’?”
“What?”
“ENGLISH, MOTHERFNORFER! DO! YOU! SPEAK IT?”
Atlanta looked highly distressed. “Yes!”
“Then you know what I'm saying.”
“Yes!”
“Describe what Tallahassee looks like!”
“What?”
“SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN! SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFNORFER! SAY ‘WHAT’ ONE MORE ARMOK-DAMNED TIME!”
“What?”
Drew shot her in the knee. “DOES TALLAHASSEE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?”
“NO!”
“Good.”
“...Can...Can I go?”
Drew raised his gun. “Oh, no.” He began to laugh. “I’m really afraid you can’t!”
A shot rang out.
Lucius looked at the fallen Sue with mild disinterest.
“Alright. That’s done. What say we light her up?”
Drew smiled. “Alright. I approve of this. Quite a bit.”
Several minutes later, the portal in RC 43042 opened up. Several large bags of candy were tossed through, followed shortly by the two agents.
Lucius stood up and brushed himself off. “How the hell did you toss yourself through the portal?”
Drew smiled. “Absolutely no idea. Now, you must watch Zombieland.”
Lucius shrugged. “That probably would have been helpful before going on the mission.”
“Meh. May as well make up for lost time, no?”
Lucius scowled. “But what if I don’t want to make up for lost time?”
Drew stared pointedly at his partner.
Lucius grinned. “I guess I do have a lot to catch up on, don’t I.”
Drew grinned. “Yes. You do. We start with Zombieland, then move on to Pulp Fiction, Firefly, and Rush.” The grin widened. “It’s going to be a good day.”
[A/N: Well, that seemed to go well! It's fun to be writing again! In all seriousness, though, this fic was fnorfing painful to read. I am glad that it is dead.]
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