Sunday, 12 February 2012

Orken, Thomas and Lucius: It's Elf World (Pokémon/Zombie Survival Guide... sort of)

Title: Pokemon: An Undead Adventure
Author: ThunderClouds7 and David the Werewolf
Fandom: Pokemon and Zombie Survival Guide
Sporked by: Thomas Greenwall, Orken 7861, Lucius
Rating: T for Termites Write Better than this

[Disclaimer: Neither Tray-Gnome nor Guvnor of Space own the PPC, which is the property of Jay and Acacia.  The fic Pokemon: An Undead Adventure was written by ThunderClouds7 and David the Werewolf. Orken and Thomas belong to Guvnor, and Lucius and Drew belong to Tray-Gnome.  Beta cred goes to Data Junkie, Bronwyn, Miah, and Vixenmage.]

“Punch.  That.  Shit.”
Drew giggled.  “So, what did you think?”  He stood up and stretched.
Lucius grinned.  “It was a very good movie.”  He yawned.  “Man, it would be awesome if we did a mission there.”


Drew blinked.  “Did... uh...”  He blinked again.
Lucius blinked as well.  “Let me go get that.”  He walked over to the console and checked the message.  “Hey, Drew, you familiar with... Pokaman?”
Drew twitched slightly.  “Oh dear Armok.  You are channeling my mother.”  He walked over to Lucius and punched him in the shoulder.  “Stop it.”
Lucius rubbed his shoulder.  “Ow!  Godsdammit Drew, zombie strength, remember?”
“Yes.  Anyways, it’s a video game.  You catch Pokémon, and fight with them.  It’s pretty awesome.”  He shrugged.  “Is it just a straight-up Pokémon fic, or is it a crossover?”
Lucius double-checked.  “It... huh, that’s weird.  It keeps flickering between Pokémon and Pokémon/Zombie Survival Guide.”
Drew blinked.  “How does that work?”
Lucius shrugged.  “I have no ide-oh, wait.  It’s settled on Pokémon.  I guess I’m going to... RC 16202535.”
“Alright then!  Good luck, mate!  I’ll be here when you get back.”  He paused.  “Although, I was going to see if I could get The Shrimp agent status...”
Lucius patted his partner on the back.  “Alright!  I’ll see you... whenever I get back!  Have fun!”
“I will!”
Lucius nodded, and headed out the door.


Seconds later, the console went off again.  Drew checked it.  “Oooh, nice, Shaun of the Dea-”  He read down a bit.  “WHAT.  NO.  WHAT.”  He flailed about for a few seconds, then regained his composure.  “I WILL NOT LET THIS TRAVESTY STAND!”
Drew stomped around the room, picking up various weapons.
A portal fizzled open.
It shut a couple of seconds later, cutting off a trail of angry gibberish and occasional swearing as it did so.


“I seem to recall, Agent Thomas, forbidding you to adopt anymore minis,” said Orken. He stood on his side of the response center, and looked no worse for the wear after the nasty bump he had received in his last mission.
O’Neil was standing with Orken, nodding emphatically at everything the Yeerk agent said, having temporarily abandoned Thomas’ side of the response center, and his many junk forts.
Thomas was doing his best to look pitiful and sad, standing in front of the mini in question and Witmol on his cluttered side of the response center.  “But Orky! Claudi and Witmol are getting along so well. I don’t think they want to be separated. Besides, she’s tiny!”
Indeed, when Orken had returned and inquired about sending Claudi the mini-Farnsworth to the adoption center, Witmol the mini-telescreen had crowded closer to Claudi.  It looked like he was trying to protect her; rather than looking intimidating, though, Thomas thought it actually looked quite adorable.
Orken, who had been studiously avoiding looking at the minis, finally did. His heart instantly melted. As creepy as he found Witmol, he had to admit, he owed the mini-telescreen, and the two electronic-gadget minis did look rather pitiful (and, though he would not admit it, adorable) cowering together.
He sighed. “Fine, Agent Thomas, but you’re responsible for feeding her. I already feed that giant mite of yours...”
“His name is Maybe,” Thomas interjected.
Orken rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You said you’d take care of him, too. So as long as you take care of her, I guess you can keep Claudi.”
Thomas immediately perked up. “I’ll totally take care of Claudi! Orky, did you know you’re the most awesome partner ever? ‘Cause dude, if you didn’t know, you’re the most awesome partner ever.”
Having never heard anything like that from his partner before, Orken was not sure what to say. Even though he no longer cared about the once hated nickname, out of sheer habit he sighed and said “Agent Thomas, please don’t call me-” He was cut off by a knock on the door. At the exact same moment, the console went off with a [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Orken quickly shut the console off, and Thomas ran to open the door. “New person! Hi! You here for whatever that alarm is for?” he said enthusiastically.
Lucius blinked.  “I suppose I am.  I’m Agent Lucius Sievert.”  He paused.  “I’m sorry, they didn’t give your name in the report.  Who are you?”
Thomas held out a hand. “Thomas Greenwall, awesome dude. The guy reading the report on the console over there is Orken. You may have heard of him. Or... maybe not. He’s the dude that got an alien in his head when a Sue possessed him. Of course, he’s an alien himself, so... Okay, he’s not that famous, but maybe? No?”
Lucius blinked, then shrugged and shook Thomas’ hand.  “Pleased to meet you!”  He grinned.  “So, I guess we’re working together, then!”
Orken, who had skimmed over the report, turned to face the door. “Indeed. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Agent Lucius. According to this report, you’re to be a consultant on issues dealing with the crossover nature of this fanfic, as well as to lend your expertise in the field of the living dead.”
Thomas perked up. “Zombies? We get to fight zombies? Dude, this is gonna be awesome.”
Lucius shrugged.  “Honestly, it tends to be more avoiding the zombies than anything else.  I’ve never actually had to deal with a zombified Sue.”  He shuffled awkwardly.  “And besides, Drew’s more the one who has the zombie expertise.”
“Hurray for the flower dudes giving us the partner who doesn’t know as much about zombies,” said Thomas, groaning.
Meanwhile, Orken had already packed his own minimally full backpack, and found Thomas’, which was still packed from the last mission. He grunted a bit as he lifted it and handed it to Thomas.
Turning to the next practical issue, Orken asked Lucius, “Does this ‘Zombie Survival Guide’ canon include assault weapons? I ask because my partner is likely trying to not have that come up so that he can take his AK-47 without me raising an objection.”
Lucius paused.  “I’d imagine so.  Drew was originally from a spin-off of that ‘verse, and he uses an assault rifle.  It should be fine.”
Thomas grinned happily. “Yay!” he said, grabbing the aforementioned assault rifle off the wall. “So you dudes all ready?”
Orken nodded, as he retrieved his P-90 and his tranquilizer rifle from the cabinet on his side of the response center. If his partner got to carry an assault rifle, well, he might as well carry one too.“I am.”
Lucius grinned.  “Indeed.  I travel light.”  He paused for a second.  “Do either of you two know anything about Pokémon?”
Thomas and Orken exchanged a look. “A little. Hopefully enough,” said Thomas.
Orken shook his head. “I know absolutely nothing about that canon, I’m afraid.”
Lucius paused.  “Ah.  Well.  Let’s get going, shall we?”
Orken opened a portal next to the console, and stepped through, visibly annoyed about something.
“Uh, dude,” said Thomas, “You just kind of stole his thing. He always says ‘Shall we go.’”
“Ah.  Apologies.”  He shrugged and stepped through the portal.
Thomas quickly followed.


Orken had already set up a Crash Dummy by the time Thomas stepped through the portal. It was currently nondescript, as the fic had yet to start. Thomas was about to ask why his partner had a dummy (since Thomas was carrying one, too) when an Author’s Note rang out around them. It was slightly fortuitous; if he had asked, Orken would likely have reminded him about the alien-in-the-head incident that had occurred when Thomas had forgot to repair their dummy.

Enia: Hello! I'm Enia Silverson and this is Pokémon: An Undead Adventure! I'm co-authoring this with David the Scottish Werewolf…

Thomas groaned and rubbed at his temples as the long Author’s note continued, finally ending with...

A/N: hey guys its David here this chapter is Enia's point of view sadly but at least she did a good job. Hope you enjoy! Now read and review or William will eat your brains muhahahahahahhahaaaaaaa.

Thomas cringed. “That is a terrifying laugh. I never want to hear it again.”
Lucius blinked.  “Is... is the rest of the fic going to be like this? Because if so, I may have to resort to channelling my partner.”
Orken shrugged. “I’ve seen worse.” Thomas rolled his eyes.
Without any warning, a scene violently asserted itself around them. The three agents found themselves behind a generic!couch. Two people were sitting in front of them, and by the sound of things, one of them was playing a video game.

"Die Ganondork, die!" I yelled as I defeated Twilight Princess for the umpteenth time and the screen swited to a cut scene of Link stabbing Ganondorf through the chest. "Bwhahaha!"

The television screen decided that “swited” meant it had gone to a cut scene while sliding across the room. This meant that while the dummy standing in for the Sue was still staring at where the screen had been, the television itself was somewhere closer to where the agents where, hovering in mid air.
Thomas whispered. “Oh please, please don’t let anyone drive a river or pull their eyes out from bad grammar in this one.”
Lucius gave Thomas a sideways glance.  “What?”
“You really don’t want to know. Trust me, dude,” said Thomas, shuddering.
Lucius blinked.  “Oookay then.”  He pulled out a notepad.  “I am going to charge for the ‘switing’ thing.”
The Sue and her friend Samik stretched and generally acted boring. The Sue then stated, "Let's go to be."
Orken rolled his eyes. “Let’s go to be what, exactly? I assume she meant ‘bed,’ but still.”
“Perhaps it’s not that simple. Perhaps they are simply going to exist, like some kind of meditation,” pondered Thomas.
“I’m pretty sure that was just a typo, Agent Thomas,” said Orken, rolling his eyes.
Indeed, Enia the Sue and Samik got off of the couch and wandered up the stairs. The agents breathed a collective sigh of relief, finally being alone and able to talk for the first time since the mission began. Thomas was the first to speak.
“Hey, Lucius dude, you have a CAD? Figured we should check to see if this Samik dude is a Stu or not. I, uh, lost my last one in a tragic accident.”
“He means that he brought every other conceivable thing he could possibly need, but forgot a piece of standard equipment,” Orken clarified. “I have one anyway, Agent Thomas.”
Thomas’ face reddened.
Lucius shrugged and reached into his coat pocket.  “Yeah.  Hang on.  I brought mine, too.”  He pulled out his CAD.  “‘Ere we go.  Let’s go point this at him.”
“Verily, dude,” said Thomas.
Orken opened a portal, muttering something that sounded like a curse under his breath. “A dream sequence is about to happen. I’d rather portal in than get shifted into it.” He gave Lucius a pointed look before saying “Shall we go?”
Lucius nodded.  “If you’re ready.”
Thomas rolled his eyes. “It’s rhetorical, dude. He just asks it every time we jump through a portal. I told you that.” He jumped through, followed closely by Orken.
Lucius glanced briefly around the room for anything valuable, then followed the other two agents through the portal.

    The other end of the portal was black nothingness.  The agents floated gently through the empty space.
Lucius attempted to do a somersault.  This attempt was hampered by gravity reasserting itself as the dream took form.  The void was replaced by a generic-looking, ill-lit field.
Thomas had decided to lounge onto his back, and had gotten the wind knocked out of him when gravity returned. “Yeah, that was fun,” he grumbled, once he caught his breath. “Stupid dream. Right, new dude?” Lucius said nothing, just making some mumbling noises from his spot on the ground, where he was curled up.
Orken, who had anticipated the return of gravity and bent his knees like a parachutist, shrugged. “Nothing particularly bad about this one, Agent Thomas.”
Thomas was about to retort, when he suddenly saw something in the sky. “Whoa, dude! That’s a Ho-!”
The Sue suddenly popped into the dream in front of the agents; Orken covered Thomas’ mouth before he could say anything else. Lucius was still in a crumpled heap on the ground, and did not need to be silenced. Luckily, the Sue had also noticed the brightly colored bird Pokémon, and did not turn around.
Nearby, on the ground, a Gengar was coming into view, followed by a discolored blotch of Generic!Pokémon. Despite none of them appearing solid or substantial enough to actually express fear, the mass somehow still gave the distinct impression of being frightened.
    This caused the Sue to remark that “They were Pokemon; nothing could scare them.
Thomas had things to say about the stupidity and non-canoness of that statement, but before he could say any of them out loud, a rotten smell permeated the air, and a shambling horde of zombies came into view, causing Enia to wake up, violently throwing the three agents out of her dream.
They found themselves landing with a painful thud in the Sue’s room. After hearing a scream come from outside, though, she quickly left for Samik’s room, leaving the agents alone again.
“We need to follow her,” said Orken, gesturing towards the door. “Shall we-”
“Wait a sec, dude. Lucius needs to charge for making Pokémon not afraid of anything, or whatever. That’s just stupid. Also, I feel like we were about to do something when we hit that dream sequence...”
Lucius was only now picking himself up.  “Sorry, what?”  He blinked a couple of times.  “Oh!  Right!  Charges!”  He pulled out his notepad and and wrote the charge down.  “So, uhm, we were going to do something with the second OC, weren’t we?”
Thomas nodded emphatically. “Right! We were gonna CAD him! Come on, let’s go do that now.”
Orken held up a hand, and read the words. “Wait a second. The Sue and Original Character are leaving the house. It might be in our best interest to wait for that so that they don’t catch us spying on them in the doorway.” He opened a portal. “Shall we go?”
Lucius nodded.  “After you, mate.”
Orken stepped through, followed by Thomas and Lucius.
The three agents emerged in an incredibly dark park.
“It should be dark enough to keep them from being able to see us,” Orken said, quietly, “At least, the words claim they’re having as much trouble seeing as we are.”
From nearby, the sounds of a zombie eating a human corpse could quite easily be heard.
Thomas poked Lucius. “Correct me if I’m wrong, dude, but so far this all seems perfectly canonical for Zombie Surivival Guide type zombies.”
Lucius paused, then nodded.  “Yeah.  As long as they don’t start sprinting, we should be good.”  He pulled out his CAD and pointed it at Samik.

[Samik.  Male HumaElfWerewolOtheUnknowError OC.  Stu.  Eliminate for sanity’s sake.]

Samik decided that lighting up the ground like a “radioactive Christmas tree” using what was apparently magic seemed like a good idea. Before either Samik or Enia could see them, Orken grabbed Thomas and Lucius by the back of their shirts and yanked them behind a bush. In front of them the Sue dispatched an enormous zombie using some kind of magical fireball. After that, she called the authorities, and then the Sue and Stu left, apparently to go to “the elf realm.”
When they were out of sight, Thomas said “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember humans in the Survival Guide verse being able to use magic. In fact, I think that’s a huge break from the ‘realistic’ style of the canon. I can also tell you that there is no elf realm in the English version of Pokémon. Because if this is as canon breaky as I think it is, I am so going to kill these two.”
Lucius nodded.  “I think there’s a few more OCs.  But, yeah, this is definitely a huge Survival Guide canon break.”
Orken opened a portal. “There is an enormous and pointless author’s note I would not mind missing. Shall we go?”
Thomas jumped through the portal without hesitation.  Lucius followed shortly afterwards.


William was worried about his close friend David. David had been missing for two days.
The fic proceded to overuse the name William as it explained that he was an elf werewolf hybrid of some kind, and that he was able to jump between dimensions. Since it lacked any description of where he was actually standing, the agents found themselves in undescribed space. Other than William and the agents, there was one other individual, a man in a lab coat who looked suspiciously like Professor Oak. He addressed the agents. “Welcome! It’s Elf’s World!”
Thomas blinked. “Pokémon, monsters  and elves... l guess they decided they needed Oujide doctor?”
“Who?” said Orken, utterly perplexed.
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “That seems oddly familiar.”
“Vietnamese Crystal. It’s a famous bad translation, of Pokémon Crystal. Pokemon are referred to as elves or monsters or other fun stuff like that. I guess since one of the opening lines is Professor Oak, referred to as “Oujide Doctor,” saying “Welcome! It’s elf’s world,” and we’re crossed over with Pokémon and we have elves now and... you know what, dudes? Trying to explain this is making my head hurt.” Thomas swallowed two bleeprin pills. “Here’s to hoping that this thing starts to resemble something that makes some kind of sense.”
Lucius sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.  “I honestly don’t think it will.”
    Oujide Doctor, who seemed unable to grasp what the agents were talking about, interjected. “Everyone call me elf monster.”

William was currently in a meeting room with the were-wolf war council.
    It seemed that the meeting was about the disappearance of David, another werewolf Prince.
Lucius blinked.  “What does any of this have to do with anything?  Why are there elves and werewolves in a Pokémon and Zombie Survival guide crossover?  Who is David and why is he missing?”  He began to twitch slightly.  “WHAT THE FNORF IS GOING ON HERE?”
“At least we aren’t in undescribed space anymore,” said Orken, pointing to the war room that was emerging around them, as well as various bit characters who were taking seats around the large table that dominated the center of the room. It looked suspiciously like the one from Dr. Strangelove, including a large map of what was presumably the elf world where the ‘big board’ would be. Thomas was not surprised to see that it looked just like the Johto region, save the names of the places.
“Yes, but what is going on?”  Lucius shook his head.  “I am so confused right now.”
“Be confused if you must, but it would be to our advantage to hide,” said Orken as he jumped under the conference table. He sounded normal, but Thomas caught a twitch around his mouth and realized, for the first time, that Orken was just as annoyed by everything as he was; he was just a lot better at hiding it. Shaking himself out of these thoughts, Thomas grabbed Oujide Doctor’s shoulder and brought him with them. The badfic-spawned Doctor was definitely not supposed to be in the War Room.
The fic decided not to answer Lucius’ question. It was decided that William, Prince of the Werewolves, was going to go rescue his friend David from the Pokémon world. How, exactly, he had been trapped, or how parallel universes like this existed, or even who the people from the first chapter were, was not explained.  It also seemed that there were were-rabbits about, and they were of a lower class than werewolves. After he left, the rest of the bits and less characterized Original Characters in the room fell silent and immobile.
Orken emerged first, stretching as he stood up. “Well, we might as well head to the Pokémon canon. William is about to contaminate it with zombies and then disappear from the story. Oh, and we should make sure that David fellow isn’t a third Stu.”
Thomas grumbled. “I wish I could come up with a better charge for all this than “Inexplicable dimension-jumping werewolves in two canons that don’t have any,” but this verse is original, and I can’t think of anything else they’re actually doing to these canons when they’re in their original universe.”
Lucius poked Oujide Doctor.  “What’re we going to do with this person?”
“Send him to DoSAT?” suggested Thomas. “I dunno, dude.”
Oujide noticed the CAD Lucius was carrying and gave it a questioning look. “It uses spiry technique to automaticallyrecord the data of grasped monsters?” he asked.
Orken glanced at the Words. “He’ll be okay here for now. Stay here, Dr. Oujide, we’ll be back.”
Oujide gave him an odd look, and opened his mouth to speak. Instead of words though, he vocalized something that sounded like  “????????xxx???sa???” A small pile of question marks piled up at his feet.
Thomas groaned. “I don’t think he understands- wait a sec. Oujide doctor, going soon we must grasp monsters to practice Buddhism. We need to stroll in a non trashy manner with great justice. Understand the words?”
Oujide nodded.
“Sweet, dude.”
Lucius clapped his hands together.  “Good work!”  He squinted a bit.  “Hm.  Judging by the words, we’ve got a bit of fluff with a character who never shows back up, then they jump to the Pokémon world.”  He stroked his chin.  “I vote we portal ahead to after the jump.”
“Agreed,” said Orken, opening a portal. “And for the record, as the senior agent here, you can just ask me if I think something is a good idea. No voting necessary. That can get unwieldy.”
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Alright then.”  He gestured at the portal.  “After you!”
Orken did not move from where he was standing.
Thomas rolled his eyes. “Damn it dude, be less stubborn. You don’t have to be the one to tell people to go through the portal every time you open one.”
Orken sounded flustered. “Agent Thomas, that’s highly unfair. I simply wish to be the last one through, to make sure that we have not left anything-”
“Just go through the damn portal, Orken,” said Thomas, amusement turning to mild annoyance. As soon as the Yeerk agent had left Thomas sighed. “And he says I’m the silly one.”
Lucius blinked.  “Is... is he always like that?”  He tilted his head.
“Yeah. Well, usually, not this bad. I dunno, maybe there’s something on his mind. I’ve seen him get angry a couple times, and he does hold a nasty grudge. Normally, though, he just does this whole professional jackass thing. At least you know he isn’t trying to be an ass. And, well, I’m not perfect, so I probably shouldn’t judge. I’ve said things to him that were a lot worse than anything he’s ever said to me.” His mind started to wander as he said that last part. The portal made a sputtering sound, but restabilized, snapping him out of his trance. “So yeah, dude, my point is, don’t take it personally until he starts personally insulting you.”
Lucius nodded.  “I understand.”  He glanced at the portal.  “We should probably get out of here, mate.  You go first.”
Thomas jumped through without another word.  Lucius followed immediately afterwards.


The agents had emerged in the midst of an ill-lit forest.  Samik and Enia were exclaiming in the general direction of a large multicoloured bird.
Lucius cocked an eyebrow. “Thomas, what have we just walked in on?”

The Ho-Oh turned on intelligent eye on me and squawked.
"I will call you Oh-Ho and you will be my Ho-Oh!" I patted my pockets eagerly. "Oh no! I don't have any Poke Balls! I coulda sworn I brought some with me!"

Thomas found a convenient tree to bang his head on, but stopped himself at the last second. He took some Bleeprin instead. “Great, dude. The Sue just had a rare legendary Pokémon that, rarely appears, uh, appear. And then it just decided to follow her. Totally a charge.”
Orken nodded. “Speshulness. Hardly surprising.” He gave the words a glance. “I think we can skip this next part, too. Nothing much seems to happen.”
Lucius nodded and took down the charge.  “This is going to go downhill real fast, isn’t it?”
Orken groaned. “You said it out loud. I was hoping no-one here would be foolish enough to say that out loud.” He opened a portal, and said, with a sigh, “Shall we go?”
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Wait, where are we going?”
Orken gestured vaguely at the Words. “The bird monster decides to follow them, they encounter a character they call ‘Princey’, a canon character named Yellow gets kidnapped, and then they meet some professor that seems to be a canon character. We should probably observe that, but I don’t wish to stay and watch these two trounce around the woods.”
“Sounds good, dude,” Thomas said jumping through the portal.
“Are you going to insist on going last this time?” Orken asked pointedly.
Lucius shrugged.  “I was under the impression that this was the most polite thing to do.”  He shuffled awkwardly for a moment.  “Also?  If you’re the last one out of a room, you’re less likely to get a knife in your back.”
“I won’t stab you in the back, Agent Lucius. I don’t need another body to dispose of.”
The portal made a spluttering noise, and Orken sighed, and said “See you on the other side” as he jumped through.
Lucius shrugged again, and followed.


The three agents emerged in Professor Elm’s lab in New Bark town. Thomas was visibly impressed by all the sciencey type stuff going on around them, but Orken was more pragmatic. “That generic science machine over there looks like it would make a good hiding spot.” He gestured for the agents to join him behind it. It was not a moment too soon. The portal had allowed them to skip over the several hours of walking the Sue and Stu had spent getting there.
The small group, including the Sue and Stu, arrived at the laboratory after having walked for several hours. Ho-oh actually had to distort space to fit through the door, but they all made it inside.
"Yo, Elm!" Gold called. "You've got visitors!"

Instantly, a very confused looking man who strongly resembled Professor Elm popped into existence next to the agents. He looked out at the scene behind the machine, and then jumped back when he saw the Ho-oh. “I am making a new research into elf. Wish you to cooperate!” he said, startled.
“Wusiji doctor and Oujide doctor? For the love of Apophis, this is a great reason why you shouldn’t mix elves with Pokemon,” grumbled Thomas.  He then turned to Wusiji Doctor. “Quiet being, avoid detection of elf monsters, Wusiji Doctor.”
Wusiji didn’t listen. Instead, he walked out into the middle of the room, and began working on something. The pained expression on his face made it clear he was moving against his will.
The Pokemon Professor jumped and turned away from his work. "Could you announce yourself next time, Gold? You scared the bejeesus out of me." Wusiji doctor appeared visibly startled to have spoken.

"Sorry, Professor," Elm answered automatically. "I've got some people here who want to talk to you."

Orken groaned. “I guess instead of having him talk to himself, the presence of the elves has caused another person from that bad translation to appear. That explains why he showed up, at least.”

Professor Elm finally noticed us. Then he spotted my Ho-oh. His mouth fell open and he floundered around like a fish, trying to find something to say.

Lucius raised an eyebrow as Elm flopped about the room, searching shelves.  “This... This is far more amusing than it should be.”
Thomas took two Bleeprin. “Funny, but painful to my brain. Elm is a bit nervous and jerky and stuff, but dude, this is over the top, even for him. Can we kill them now?”
Orken pondered the question. “Well, these two, I think so. David the Werewolf Prince, if he is in fact a Sue, we can deal with later. What are we going to do about this Princey fellow they’ve brought along?”
“No idea, dude.” said Thomas.
“Hm.”  Lucius squinted.  “Which one is he again?”
“The generic looking fellow they found in the woods who seems to exist so that the Sues can mock him,” supplied Orken.
Lucius scratched his chin.  “Do you think we’d be able to... wossname... stick him here and let him adapt?”
“No werewolves allowed in the Pokémon verse, dude,” said Thomas. “Maybe though... maybe we can just send him back to that original verse he came from. And then find some way to seal it off from the rest of the multiverse.”
Lucius blinked.  “That sounds pretty complicated.  How would we go about doing that?”
“No idea, dude,” said Thomas, shrugging.
“We can just kill him. It’s standard procedure with bit characters who can’t integrate and lack any reason for recruitment,” supplied Orken.
“Says the guy who recruited a Sue,” muttered Thomas. “Well dude, if you think that’s what we should do... what about you, Lucius?”
“Yeah.  While we could send him back, I don’t think we quite have the manpower to seal off any of these ‘realms’.”  He shrugged.  “Killing it is, I suppose.”
“Fine, then,” said Thomas, and before either of the other two agents could react, he stepped out from behind the science machine and pointed his gun at the crowd. The Sue and Stu at least knew what it was and backed up.
“Alright dudes, you’re coming with us. And that Ho-oh is staying here.”
The Ho-oh looked like it was debating how best to charbroil Thomas when it was hit in the neck by a dart. It fell asleep almost instantly.
“Really, Agent Thomas, I wish you had warned me. I brought the tranquilizer gun for a reason,” said Orken as he stepped out from behind the science machine, gun now leveled in the general direction of the Sue and the Stu.
“I don’t think that’s canon native.”
“You yourself said you were not familiar with the canon. Are you sure? Even if they aren’t, Agent Lucius can probably fix this,” said Orken.
“Excuse me guys, but what the hell is going on?” demanded the Sue.
“Dude, did you just break a rule? What’s with you today?” asked Thomas
“Guys?! Who are you? Hello?” the Stu said, perplexed.
Lucius glanced at the Sue and Stu.  “Excuse me, but would you mind stepping aside for a moment?”
Thomas nodded. “Yeah, if you come with us, we totally won’t shoot you. Orken, can you open a portal to the... uh, how about the Viridian Forest. That should be private enough.”
“Portals? Are you werewolve elves?” asked the Sue.
Wusiji doctor gave Orken an appraising stare. “Werewolf? As Elf?”   
“No!” Orken objected. “I most certainly am not.” He gestured to a portal he had just opened. “Now, if you don’t mind coming with us... Oh yes, and bring your friend there, Princey.”
The Sue and Stu, as well as Princey the bit character, stepped through the portal.
Thomas grabbed Wusiji Doctor’s wrist. “Come Wusiji Doctor. We must work to grasp elves.” The Doctor followed him through the portal, leaving Lucius and Orken with the canon characters.
“Agent Lucius, would you like to join Thomas with the Sue and Stu? I will neuralyze these canons and meet up with you.”
Lucius nodded.  “I’ll leave you to that, then.”  He stepped through the portal.


Thomas still had the Sue, Stu, and the bit character at gunpoint when Lucius arrived. “Hey, dude. If you read the charge list, I think we can send these guys on their way.”
“So you really aren’t going to shoot us?” said the Stu, sounding relieved.
“Nope. I keep my promises, dude,” said Thomas, grinning evily.
Lucius shuffled up to Thomas and whispered out the corner of his mouth.  “Does that mean I get to stab them?”
“If you really want to, dude. If you have an RA though, I’ve got a better plan,” Thomas whispered back.
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Alright, then.”  He turned to the Sue/Stu pair.  “Uh...”  He turned back to Thomas.  “What were their names again?”
“Uh... One was Samik,” said Thomas.
“I’m Enia,” said the Sue.
“Right. Those are their names.”
Lucius nodded, and turned back to Enia and Samik.  “Alright, Enya and Schme, you are charged with...”  He held up his notebook and squinted at his writing.  “Oh, thirteenth.  My pen blotched all over this bloody thing.”  After several more seconds of squinting, he cleared his throat.  “You are charged with causing a television to swite, bizarre and improbable usage of verb conjugations, bizarre dream sequences resulting in injury to a PPC agent, inkblot, making Pokémon immune to fear, summoning Oujide doctor and Wusiji doctor from the deepest pits of mistranslation...”  He panted for breath for a few seconds, then resumed talking.  “Causing inexplicable werewolfelfprinces, causing the kidnapping of said werewolfelfprinces, the existence of dimension-jumping werewolfelves in two canons that have no mention of werewolfelves, causing a Legendary Pokémon to appear, talking a legendary Pokémon into coming with you, causing mass Professor identity issues, putting Elm out of character, causing Elm to act like a fish, and being inkblot.”
“I think you mean being Mary Sues,” said Thomas. “It’s an easy mistake.”
Lucius blinked.  “Yes.  You are also charged with being a Mary Sue... and Gary Stu, I guess?  Oh!  Also, causing me to use the word ‘werewolfelf’ so often it stops looking like a word.”
“Right. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, you can go. We’re going to open a nice portal for the three of you. Lucius, if I can borrow your RA?”
Lucius grumbled and dug through his backpack.  “Hang on.  It’s in here somewhere... ah!  Here we go!”  He handed the device to Thomas.
Thomas fiddled with the device for several seconds before opening a portal. “There you go, guys.”
The Sue eyed him suspiciously. “Really?”
Thomas grinned. “Yup!”
“Go Away!” said Wusiji Doctor.
“Alright then.” The Sue and Stu stepped through the portal, followed by the oblivious bit character.
When they were all through, Thomas handed the RA back to Lucius. “I hope they like Mt. Cinnabar. I’m pretty sure even these guys aren’t immune to lava.”
“Ah.  Death by Fuck-The-World, I see.”
Orken showed up at that moment. “Are they dead?”
Lucius nodded.  “By Fuck-The-World.”
“By... what?” Orken asked.
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Operation Fuck The World?  With the lava and the elephants and the floodgates?  Dwarf Fortress?”
“I cannot say I am familiar with that canon.”
“I’m not either, dude,” said Thomas. “Sorry.”
Wusiji Doctor chimed in. “Elf Graduate School?”
Lucius shuffled awkwardly.  “Boatmurdered.  With the elephants, and the magmaaaand I’ll stop talking now.”  He coughed.
“That strikes me as a good idea,” said Orken, opening a portal. “We need to retrieve Oujide Doctor and eliminate that werewolf prince.”
Thomas raised his hand. “I call retrieving Oujide Doctor!”
Lucius also raised his hand.  “Is it possible that I’d be allowed to stab the werewolfelfprince?”
“I don’t see any reason why not. Assuming, of course, you let me share in the stabbing,” said Orken, smiling. It was the first time he had smiled this mission.
“Cool, dude,” said Thomas. “Lucius, Imma need to borrow your RA, if you don’t mind.”
Lucius handed over the device.  “Orken, do you need a knife?  I’ve got some to spare.”
Orken pulled out his own, large, shiny, combat knife. “I will make do with this,” he said as he opened a portal.
Thomas watched the two agents leave before opening a portal of his own. There was a very confused Doctor to be saved.
Wusiji, forgotten and alone in the Viridian Forest, eyed the darkness with worry. “Monster Coaches? I’m not finding the monster coaches.”
Wusiji Doctor didn’t have to wait long, because a few seconds later, Thomas reappeared with Oujide Doctor in tow. The two Pokémon professors recognized each other, with Wusiji Doctor calling out “Dr. Ou!” and Oujide doctor replying “Dr.Wu!” The two men embraced, and began babbling on in their nonsensical almost-English. Thomas gathered the two were very confused as to what was going on, and were just happy to see someone that they knew.
    A few minutes later, Orken and Lucius reappeared. Thomas quickly returned Lucius’ RA.  “Thanks dude.”
    “No problem!”  Lucius looked around.  “I guess we’re done here.”
    “Indeed,” said Orken. “It was nice working with you, Agent Lucius.”
    “Yeah dude, you were good. Hopefully we see you again in the future or whatever.”
Lucius grinned.  “Likewise!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see if my partner managed to set fire to himself at some point.”  He fiddled with his RA.
    Orken opened a portal back to their response center. “That sounds reasonable.”
    Thomas gestured to the portal, calling to the two professors. “Elf Monsters! We must grasp monsters in nearby town.”
    The two men nodded and followed him through.
    Lucius stuck his hand out.  “It was a pleasure working with you, Agent Orken.  Tell your colleague I look forward to working with you guys again.”
    “I will, Agent Lucius,” said Orken as he stepped through the portal.
    Lucius blinked.  “Well then.”  He opened a portal back to his own RC and stepped through.
    Immediately after returning to their response center, Thomas took Oujide and Wusiji to department of personel. With the two Engrish speaking scientists off his hands, he was free to focus on other issues.
He walked into the response center, and immediately asked Orken what had been on his mind the whole mission. “What the hell is up with you? You were more jerkish than usual in that last mission. And dude, you totally did something that may have been against the rules.”
    “It wasn’t,” said Orken, gesturing at the console. “I looked it up.”
    “Still, dude. That isn’t like you. What’s up? You can tell me.”
    Orken said nothing for several seconds, obviously deep in thought, before finally seeming to reach some kind of conclusion. “Agent Thomas, I... I don’t know if I can...”  He was interrupted by a crashing sound from Thomas’ side of the response center. Witmol and Claudi, who had cleverly concealed themselves inside of one of O’Neil’s junk forts, tumbled out. Though the two separated quickly, Thomas could have sworn he saw some wires connecting the two when they first fell out of the pile.
    He blinked. “Dude. Were you guys just... no, that’s impossible, you’re electronics.”
    Witmol and Claudi both gave the distinct impression of shuffling their feet, although the placement and size of their small legs prevented them from doing so.
    “Dude... dude! You were totally... Ah man, on my side of the response center? Really?”
    Orken chuckled. “You’re the one who wanted to keep her.”
    “Yeah, but I didn’t expect...” Thomas started, ranting for several minutes about why two minis doing the nasty was so upsetting. When he was finished, he could have sworn he was forgetting something, but he couldn’t remember exactly what it had been. He shuddered. Whatever it was, the mental trauma he had just endured had obviously made it seem less important.


“Oi!  Drewsy!  I’m back!”  Lucius flopped in his chair.  “You would’ve loved this mission!”  He paused.  “Actually, probably not.  You would’ve hated this mission!”
Several seconds went by without response.  Response Centre 43042 was significantly quieter than it should have been if a certain partially-reanimated agent had been around.
Lucius slowly stood up.  “...Drew?”
Suddenly, a portal opened up, spilling a large number of weapons, a mason jar full of some spherical objects of some sort, and a certain deranged-looking, partially-reanimated agent onto the ground.  The latter was singing at the top of his lungs.
“‘Cause I’m shoot to thrill, ready to kill... Oh!  Hey Lucius!”  Drew bounced to his feet, picking up the mason jar as he went.  “Man, you missed an awesome mission!  You would have loved it!”  He smiled.
Lucius glanced briefly at his partners face.  “Because you lost an eye?”
Drew shook his head.  “Nope!  Didn’t lose it!”  He held up the mason jar.  Upon closer inspection, Lucius realised it contained roughly thirty eyes floating around.
“I...”  Lucius shook his head.  “Dammit Drew.”
“Oh, also, I got guns!  I can teach you to shoot!”  Drew bounced.  “It’ll be fun!  C’mon!”  He put the jar down on his desk and dragged his partner forcibly out the door.

            [Tray’s A/N: This was a fun mission to write, but a painful fic to read.  It seriously took several reads before I could figure out what was going on.  It’s worth the read if you like some insanity with your author’s notes.  Seriously, check out the reviews.  It’s... enlightening.]
            [A/N: Guvnor here. When life gives you lemons... *cough* I mean, this story was so inane that we ended up skipping large chunks of it. Some of it was bad in a good way, but much more of it was bad in a boring way. Also, since we wrote this, the fic has updated, and William the Werewolf Prince has actually shown up in the story. We waited for this to reach a certain point before starting, but it’s updates were mega slow. Now it’s actually moving pretty quickly. Or was. Whatever. Like Tray said though, the author’s notes are actually kind of entertaining, but if we put them in here they’d destroy the flow of the mission. It’s one of the more direct attacks on negative reviewers I’ve seen in a while.


  1. *shakes his head* eesh, that fic was weirder then the blue-unicorn in Lord of the Rings one. was there even a plot hidden in there? And really, were the two authors of it really english speakers? Eesh. XD and I am now going to look up operation "Fuck-The-world" which loks like it'll be interesting.

  2. YES! Great sporking, and I loved the VietCrystal references. DeliciousCinnamon FTW!