Thursday, 15 September 2011

Cadmar and Lucius: Blinded by the Blight

[Disclaimer:  Neither of us own Zombieland, which is the property of Columbia Pictures. ‘Blind in Zombieland’ is owned by midnighttornadoterror.  Thanks to FlareShard and EllipsisFlood for beta-work.  Also, insert NSFW tag here!] 

“They did what to Columbus?”
Agent Lucius sighed.  “This fic is wrong on so many levels.  It’s a pity that you’re in no shape to come with.”
Drew nodded emphatically.  “I’ll say!  So, who are you doing the mission with?”
“Hang on, let me check... Agent Cadmar, I suppose.  I’ll be meeting them at RC... uh... Hm.”  Lucius blinked several times.  “That is quite possibly the largest number I have ever seen used in a practical fashion.”
“Alright.”  Drew paused.  “You want me to come with?”
“That would be great.”

The duo walked down yet another nondescript corridor.  “Gah.  This is boring.  I am going to start singing.”
Lucius’ eyes widened.  “Drew, I really don’t think that is necessary.”
Drew shrugged.  “Whatever.”  He took a deep breath, and broke into an off-key warble.  “Devastation all across the nation, Infected, but not alone...”
Lucius clamped his hands over his ears.  “Oh dear Thirteenth.  Not only do you start singing, but you pick an ironic song.”

Several verses and a sudden-onset eye twitch later, Drew bumped into a wall.  “Oi!  Lucius!  This the absurdly large number we’re looking for?”
Lucius squinted at the number on the RC door.  “Looks like it is, yeah.”
“Great!  Let’s head in then!”
“Drew, shouldn’t we kno-”
With that, Drew rendered Lucius’ question irrelevant, and barged through the door.

“What the hell?” Cadmar said, looking at Drew, who had just barged through a locked sliding door. “Okay, name or I blow your head off,” she said while drawing her Beretta and aiming at Drew.
Drew grinned.  “Agent Andrew Charles at your service.”  He doffed an imaginary hat.  “I don’t like Andrew, though.  Call me Drew, or I take your eyes!”
“...Okay then, I’ll take this in stride. Why are you breaking in here?” Cadmar put her gun back in her pocket and looked to Lucius. “And why is he here too? MARIA! WHY ARE WE HAVING A RANDOM PARTY?”
“This is Lucius.  He is here because he has a mission with you, I believe.”  He glared at Lucius.  “Get in here, you twit!”
Lucius sighed.  “I apologise for Drew.  He is... unwell.  The less said, the better.”  He doffed his hat, which was considerably less imaginary than Drew’s.  “I don’t know why I agreed to let him come.”
“Funny, our Console never made any noises, well come on in, don’t mind the darkness, and any injuries are your responsibility.” Cadmar led them to a Console, “Here we are...” she gasped, “Zombieland! YES! WOOHOO!”
Lucius grimaced.  “It is a pretty painful fic.  The premise is... interesting, but poorly done, the characters are possessed, possibly replaced, and if we brought Drew into it he’d likely eat everything.”
Drew scowled.  “I would not.  I’m not that far advanced.  Possibly.  I hope.”
“Um...okay. So, seeing as Maria hasn’t come yet, I’ll assume she is out, and Mark is probably doing something important, so, I guess it’s just us two?” she asked Lucius.
“I believe so.  You were the only other agent listed, so it makes sense.”
Drew tapped him on the shoulder.  “Lucius, since I’m not going with you, I’d recommend that you take my machete.  Just in case.”  He offered the weapon to his partner.  “It’s good at killing zed-heads.  Trust me, I’d know.”
“Okay, I’ll grab my bag, it has all the stuff. Well, I’ll have to look for the Zombieland DVD, but it shouldn’t take long.  Set up the portal, okay?” Cadmar asked while running off into the RC.
Drew gave Lucius a lopsided smile.  “Well, now’s your time to shine, kiddo!”
“Drew, I’m older than you!”  He scowled, and fiddled with the portal generator.  “So, while I’m gone, you are to go back to the RC.  Don’t cause trouble.”
Drew continued smiling.
“Don’t do that!  It creeps me out!”
“Okay, got the equipment!” Cadmar brandished a large cleaver, “And my own alternative weapon in case of melee. Think this will work?”
Lucius started.  “I don’t know.  I shall have to defer to Drew’s judgement, considering where he comes from.”
Drew scratched his chin.  “It’ll do.  The important thing is that you know how to use it.”  He grinned.
Cadmar grinned, “Aim for the neck or spine, attempt to sever.”
Drew nodded.  “The strategy of kings and overall awesome people everywhere.”  He rubbed his hands together.  “Well, I shall leave you two to do your thing.”
Lucius looked at Cadmar.  “Please tell me you have someone to keep on eye on him?  I don’t trust him by himself.”
“Whatever, I’m leaving anyways.  AWAAAAAAY!”  With that, Drew left as abruptly as he arrived.
“I... okay... So, let’s just pretend that didn’t happen and go, shall we?”
Lucius paused.  “It’s a first-person fic, isn’t it?”
Cadmar paled. “It... it is? Um... “ Cadmar licked her lips nervously. “A-are you sure it was me that the report said?”
“I’m fairly certain.  I can’t double-check, though, as Drew just ran off with it.”
Cadmar cursed loudly. “Okay, okay... I can do this... “she opened her bag and shuffled a few things around with shaking hands.
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Dummy?”
“Yeah. Right here.” Cadmar pulled the dummy out and began meticulously inspecting every inch of it.
“Alright.  Are we all set to go?”
  “Yeah. Wait, no. One sec.” Cadmar walked over to the fridge and opened it, taking a swig from a bottle of Bacardi. “Okay, NOW I’m good.”
“Well, then, what are we waiting for?”  Lucius tossed the dummy through the portal, following closely after it.


The agents emerged into Generic Space. “Well, this... this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, damn First Person fics... “ Cadmar said.
“I’ve seen the Words.  It gets... worse.”

It was mad cow disease that turned into mad human disease that turned into something worse. I heard it all over on the Television before the electricity went out. But before I go on let me share a little something with you, I am blind and have been trapped in my apartment for weeks ever since the Breakout.

“Blind character fic huh? I can see  this possible being Interesting.” Cadmar looked around the apartment, which was a lot darker and harder to see. “Well, it seems the Word World is being bad to the agents again.”
Lucius nodded.  “Columbus being blind would have been interesting in a well-handled fic.  Unfortunately, this is not that fic.”  He paused.  “Also, where’s wotshername?  The neighbour?”
“Seven something something. Yeah, actually, that was  a pretty important scene. Charge.” Cadmar said, taking two flash lights out, “Here, just in case.” she said handing him one.
Lucius nodded.  “I don’t know what this is, but thanks anyways.”
“It’s... It’s a flashlight dude, what rock have you been hiding in?” Cadmar asked in confusion.
“I am from a continuum that is set in about the World One Renaissance.  What does this do?”
Cadmar blinked, “Oh, sorry. You flick the little switch thing forward, like this.” she said, showing him.
Lucius nodded again.  “Ah.  I see.  It is essentially an alchemical globe.”

It's been days since I heard any noise, so it was only natural for me to hide when I heard the doors being banged open in the complex my apartment was in.

So here I was sitting in my tub barely breathing in fear I would be heard. My door jolted open after an hour or so. I brought my knees up and began chewing on the string from the brown hoodie my dad had sent me. I may have said earlier that I was blind but I could only just make out anything. Everything appeared to me as big blobs of color. Like a painting, whatever color dominating it was the only color I could see. I could distinguish nothing else; no tiny colored specks or any other vague color.

“That’s a very specific type of blind, so specific I am not sure that is actually real.” Cadmar looked to Lucius, “Don’t suppose you know?”
“It’s... at least partially real.  It’d be more than ninety percent blind.”  He shifted his feet.  “I think.  Drew kinda went over something with me.”  He paused.  “Oh well, give it a charge.  Also, charge for the grammar.”
“Okay.” Cadmar pulled out a notepad and began writing.

The cream curtain was thrown back and I heard the cocking of a gun. With my head buried in my knees I begged. "Please don't shoot," I whimpered out.

I felt a rough calloused hand on my head and I couldn't help but stutter out unrecognizable words and begin to rock back and forth. "Hey scrawny spitfuck," a coarse southern voice spoke above my head.

“Heh, that’s Tallahassee all right.” Cadmar smiled.
“True.”  Lucius paused.  The earlier pun came back to beat him around the ears.  “That pun was horrid.”
“Horrid like a fox!”

"No, my caretaker left in the beginning to make sure her parents were alright." I had finally calmed myself down enough to talk to the man. He let out a grunt and let go of my chin. "Did she really think you were gunna live off this amount of food in yer home for the next few years?" I think it was a sarcastic question, but I couldn't tell on the account that I had only ever talked to my parents sometimes and my ex-caretaker, who is most likely a zombie by now.

“That’s...depressing. No interaction at all? Aren’t there support groups for this or something?” Cadmar asked while tapping the notepad.
Lucius looked confused.  “What is a support group?”
“It’s...something the PPC needs so very badly.” Cadmar shook her head.

He carried me down the twelve flights of stairs without much trouble, since I weighed next to nothing. I was skinny and light. He could probably throw me down the hallway to the other end if he wanted to.

“Gah! People are NOT supposed to be that thin!” Cadmar winced, “Medical is in order.”
Lucius nodded.  “That’s definitely a charge.”  He thought for a moment.  “Damn.  Drew is pretty skinny, but I doubt somebody would be able to throw him down a hallway.  I’m pretty sure that would be a big charge.”
“Yeah. Charging for ‘Making someone impossibly thin and light’.” Cadmar looked at the horribly thin Columbus and winced. “Poor guy.”

"What the hell is on the road," I shrieked when a blob of purple shot across the highway before we hit it.

I could tell he was looking at me. "You can see," he asked with an incredulous tone.

"Only blobs," I replied gripping to the armrest in the car.

“Dude, that blob was cool, it’s like we’re in an old fifties movie.” Cadmar said, watching the blob run across the street.
Lucius paused.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“... Right, different origin world.”

After that we were together for a month, I guessed. I could nearly shoot anything now due to Tallahassee 's training on how to sense them and how to properly aim. Things were going well. But then we made a mistake in stopping at a store, because Tallahassee was sure there would be Twinkies. He was obsessed with finding one, I had concluded on the first day we met.

Both agents found themselves face first on the ground in front of the store. The world around them was still darker then usual, and things were slightly out of focus now. “Gah! Stupid shifting scenes.” Cadmar stodd up and brushed herself off. “I’m not sure if even Tallahassee could teach a blind person to shoot.”
“I highly doubt it.”  Lucius scratched his chin.  “Well, you could, but it would take far longer than a month.  Charge it.”

In the store he started playing the banjo and then they came out. "You got a purdy mouth on ya," Talla joked while running to an enormous blob, and then proceeded to beat the crap out of it with the banjo.

Both agents cracked up seeing Tallahassee beating the crap out of a giant blob of Jello, which was struggling and jiggling around. “Oh... ha ha, oh man, seeing him beating up a blob is AWESOME! But, shouldn’t he be described as a coloured blob too?”
“Yes, he should.  Charge for inconsistent blindness.”  Lucius sighed.  “Should we even bother charging the grammar now?”
“Probably not.”

"Come on," Talla said to me and dragged me after the woman. I guess by now I should inform you that I gave Tallahassee a nickname. He didn't like it in the beginning, but I kept using it so eventually he stopped punching my arm for saying it. This then made him decide that it was okay to stick to calling me scrawny spitfuck.

Lucius paused.  “I cannot imagine Columbus calling Tallahassee ‘Talla’ without getting smacked.”
“Yeah, certainly out of character, not warning level yet.” Cadmar said as they followed the canons into the back room, staying out of sight as the scene from the movie played out, although a little difficult to see. “Ooh, Wichita just knocked him flat out, that’s not canon. Amusing though.” Cadmar said with a smile.
Lucius chuckled.  “Drew would be... well, let’s just say it would not be pretty.”

It was about an hour of walking, eventually with me ambling on my own feet too. I pointed out a mini van that might be perfect. The reason I had chosen it was because I knew he needed the release. So I stood by and listened as he beat the windows in on the poor thing. At least it was the van that was getting beaten with the metal rod, I guess, and not I. He jumped down from it and landed in front of me.

“Un huh...more sporadic blindness.” Cadmar made a check mark on the notepad.
“It is getting rather old, no?”  He sighed again.  “This fic is really tedious.  Is ‘Boring a PPC agent to tears’ a charge?”
“It is now.”

The agents followed the canons as they traveled and eventually came across the yellow hummer from the movie.

"The owner seems to be attached to his precious Hummer," he said while snickering then throwing another something out of the Hummer. I started in alarm. "No just his arms," he clarified. And then Talla opened the Hummer's back door and got all exited.

“Hmm, I can see a pattern. The author is setting up some major Hurt/Comfort to make Talumbus happen, everything happens in the movie like canon, unless it can help bring the two together.” Cadmar said while shaking her head. “Bad shipper.”
“Is ‘making the source material absurdly bland’ a charge?”
Cadmar grinned, “It is now!”

"Give it," I demanded, glad to have a gun again so I wouldn't be running around weaponless. I think Talla has been rubbing off on me; I've become a completely different person since I met him. I no longer have as many phobias and plus- he lets me drive!

Cadmar sputtered, “You can’t drive! You’re BLIND! Tallahassee is crazy for letting you shoot, let alone get behind the wheel!”
“I am charging that twice.”
The agents got in the vehicle, cramming themselves in the back so the two canons wouldn’t notice them.

I wanted to forget about the girls, but I knew Talla would not since they stole our guns, supplies and of course Talla's precious Caddy. Talla was dead set on putting a bullet between their eyes; they asked for it anyway. I sighed and put my new sunglasses on to hide my eyes. I didn't know why but I started doing it a lot ever since I met Talla. I couldn't figure out why.

“Ungh, that just make you more of an Uke.” Cadmar said in distaste.
“What is an Uke?”  Lucius tilted his head slightly.
“An Uke bottoms, and is generally weak and small, that’s Columbus. Now, Tallahassee would be the Seme, who top, and are bigger and stronger. It’s a Hurt/Comfort thing.” Cadmar said.
Lucius nodded.  “Ah.  I see.  I apologise for my ignorance.”
“Yay for knowing weird Japanese things!” Cadmar said sarcastically. “More stuff happening just like canon, monotony for the win!”

Following canon, Columbus was taken hostage, and Tallahasse was shortly afterwards. “Well, at least Columbus has the excuse of being blind to use.” Cadmar said quietly.

"Don't shoot 'im," Talla sounded like he was very upset, like he really was going to lose something or me. "Please," he begged. God, I never heard the man beg until now and I wished he would stop. It didn't suit him.

“...Okay, see, now I’m glad Drew isn’t here.  The last time Tallahassee got messed with, he was rendered catatonic.”
“Wow, that un... a pretty strong reaction.”
“Tallahassee is one of his Lust Objects.”
“Ah, interesting. You got any?”
“Not really.  I didn’t know about any of this stuff until I joined the PPC.  The only ‘verses I know are the ones Drew has shown me.”

Well, I'm going out with Talla," I blurted out without thinking. I hoped Talla would take a hint and play along with me as well. "We've been together for awhile now, about a month before the outbreak," I continued on, panicked that something might happen in the wrong direction and solely basing my whole explanation on the assumption that they feared us for being heterosexual cavemen.

“You... you don’t use being gay as an excuse! Especially if it’s a lie!” Cadmar covered her mouth and sighed quietly when the canons didn’t pay them any attention.
Lucius’ eye twitch returned.  “This is absurd.  Also, I’m glad Drew is not here to draw attention to us.”

"Really, why should we believe you," the shrimp asked from the back seat.

Lucius looked at the talking shrimp with mild disinterest.  “Causing the Words to create a talking crustacean is a charge, right?”
“Yep.” Cadmar picked up the shrimp, sized it up and ate it. “Tast-BLECH!” she hacked and spit out the Shrimp. “Oh god, raw shrimp, gross... “
Lucius picked up the shrimp and put it in his pocket.  “Whatever, I’m keeping this.”
The shrimp did not object.

"If we had just met, do you really think Talla would have stopped you from blowing my brains out? Does he really look like that kind of guy," I asked, anticipating they would put the guns down and everything would be ok.

" Little Rock, you can put it down," the older sister said to her, obviously buying in to it. Okay, right, so now I know what one of them is using as a name. I wonder who the older one is.

“I...have no real words. I can’t decide if that is clever as hell, or stupid as hell. Like, even if you’re going out, you could still want to kill them.” Cadmar said while lighting a Bleepette, “Hello oblivion.”
Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Those look useful.  Give me a couple of seconds to write down the charges, alright?”
“Sure, want one?” Cadmar opened the pack and held it out to him.
Lucius accepted one gratefully.  “Thank you.”  He pulled out some matches and lit the Bleepette.
“Oh, hey, the Indian Trading Store bit, how exciting.” Cadmar deadpanned. “I want to watch the real movie now.”

I sat curled up in the seat trying to sleep as Wichita decided to let Little Rock drive. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt Talla slip an arm around me and pull me to lie down beside him. "What are you doing," I whispered in to his ear frantically.
"We have to pretend we're a couple, remember spit-fuck?" All said with a lopsided grin. The he leaned in real close and-and just kissed me. I froze. This man had just stolen my first kiss and I knew Wichita was watching us. I blushed furiously and pushed my head into his shoulder. "Besides, I like ya a real lot, Columbus," he mumbled into my hair. I blushed more.

“Gah! Didn’t...didn’t he have a kid and presumably a wife? That’s a little fast to move on.” Cadmar shielded her eyes and concentrated on her Bleepette.
“A little fast might be an understatement.  He was so torn up about the loss of Buck that he could not bring himself to say that he used to have a son.”
“‘Making slash happen with no lead-up to it.’ then.” Cadmar said, pointedly ignoring the two snuggling canons.

It wasn't long before I fell asleep on Talla. I was having a nice dream-a great dream actually. There was no blood, guts and-oh yeah- zombies. Everything was the way it was supposed to be before patient zero ate that meat. But then it turned into a nightmare I was all alone, no one around as I was surrounded by the infected. I had no weapon on me. I could hear them, feel them running, closely snarling and growling at me. I was attacked from all sides. I could feel their teeth sinking into my flesh. I heard screaming. Wait it was me, I was screaming. A loud horn sounded.

Both agents winced and covered their ears as they were temporarily deafened by a horn.
“Oh god, my ears... “ Cadmar moaned in pain.
“Ow!  My poor, virgin ears!”
“I love those dreams. Well, mine revolve around being cut up by a knife for hours, but still.” Cadmar shivered. “These Bleepettes are amazing, I just forgot what I said!”
Lucius contemplated his own Bleepette.  “How much do you think it would take to forget your tragic past?  I usually use very strong ale for that.”
“Mmm, two at once is the most you should use, after that your liable to forget to stop, and then breathing. or so the warning label says...I think. Oh, hey! Columbus is being all fragile! Seme Uke time!” she said, pointing to Columbus who was puking on the side of the road.

I groaned out loud as I started dry heaving. Talla's hand was on my back as he handed me water. I wanted to thank him but I didn't want to get sick again. I was dazed and shaky most of all hot- too hot. "Come in the car." Talla heaved me up and onto the seat in the Hummer.

Lucius paled.  “This reminds me of an MPreg fic that Drew mentioned once.”
“... That story sounds horrible.”

Wichita, acting out of character, began acting like an unlikeable bitch, deciding to leave Columbus and Tallahassee behind because one was sick.

"Now you look hear, you stupid bitch from hell, you're nothing more then a trickster who has no heart for anyone and who can't even trust one goddamn person. You have no right to tell me what to do with Columbus, got that," he bellowed. I wondered if his face turned red for that split second he scurrilously attacked Wichita.

“Wow, way to make her more unlikeable.” Cadmar’s slightly dazed expression changed to thoughtful, “Hey, she was cool! And ‘scurrilously’ doesn’t sound like a word at all!”
Lucius paused.  “No, it is.  I’m pretty sure the author was using a “word of the day” calendar, though.  So, charge for purple prose.”
“Ah, great.”

Before he could do anything to the witch she had a gun pointed at us. "Get out," she demanded in a biting tone that would make anyone shiver.

"We ain't leaving unless we got some weapons to protect ourselves," Talla insisted to the witch untangling his limbs from mine and helping me sit up.

Cadmar blinked and replayed the scene that had just happened in her mind again, trying to make sense of it. “Wha... what the heck just? Who was untangling who?”
Lucius tilted his head.  “I have no idea.  I don’t even know what to charge this as.”

"No weapons; now get out," her words still in a biting tone.

“Hello canon deviation, I wonder where this will lead us.” Cadmar tossed the stub of her Bleepette away. “Yeah, Mark was right.”
“Right about what?”
“The Bleepettes DO have nicotine in them. I hope my caffeine addiction had room for another bad habit. Hey, did the author even have Columbus ever get sick before this? Because Tallahasse saying that he gets sick a lot is a big thing.”
Lucius shook his head.  “Charge for a major plot point not being referenced?”

The agents got out of the hummer just in time before it sped off, they hid behind a random piece of debris before they could be spotted.

was scared again. No weapon and I was defenseless now, just like I was in my nightmare. The only difference now was that Talla was here with me. "Come on. A sign a mile back said there is a little town three miles from here. Let's get going before it gets dark and while it's still light out," he grounded out through his teeth, hauling our bags in his arms.

I went to talk- instead though I ended up puking again- this time just bile and a lot of it. He began caressing my back once more as I spent time vomiting. After I finished, we headed out, staying on the road in the open so the zombies wouldn't catch us.

Lucius raised an eyebrow.  “Oh, Talla, you’re so-HUAGHBAHGHGLUH!”
“...Ew man, just ew.”

"Fine," he grouched venomously then began to open up car trunks and doors looking for a weapon of some sort. In the end, he found one tiny handgun (you know, the kind girls would have that could only hold one bullet at a time), pepper spray (we didn't even know if it would work on a zombie, but I had a better use for it the next time we'd see the girls. I am going to use it on them without hesitation) and then one tire iron and a frying pan.

“I can understand the first three, but a frying pan is kinda unwieldy, unless you are Samwise, then you can kick ass.” Cadmar said while nodding.
“I shall take your word for it.”

The agents followed, closer then comfortable but certainly necessary, Columbus and Tallahassee as they were chased by a horde of zombies, and into a barn.

"What the hell are you talking about you spit-fuck?" He then looked behind himself for what I guess was the first time.

Both agents cringed as Tallahassee’s neck groaned and sounded like a rusty gear turning.
“Owowow, talk about a stiff neck.” Cadmar said.
“I would quite agree.  That did not sound pleasant at all.”

A grin spread across his face as he looked at the giant tillers that were attached to the tractor (if you've seen the crazies you'll know what I'm talking about). "Come on," he shouted joyfully and grabbed my arm. He pulled me to the tractor.

Cadmar made a so-so motion with her hand, “Eh, not bad. The author’s note isn’t needed, but that kinda keeps the theme of the movie.”
“I would not know, I have never seen The Crazies.”
“Big tractor with a sideways blender on the front, for cutting wheat,” Cadmar smiled, “It makes a wicked mess!” As soon as Cadmar stopped talking, the blades on the front of the tractor changed into those of a blender.
“... Okay, didn’t expect that.” Cadmar said.

  Cadmar cheered as the canons mounted the machine and began cutting down the horde of zombies. “Woo yah! That’s more blood and guts than Freddy vs Jason! Woo!”
Lucius looked on impassively.  “You appear to be channeling Drew.”
“Is that a good thing?”
Lucius sighed.  “I honestly don’t even care anymore.”’

"Just food, water and beer. Lots of beer." Now I knew why he was slightly thrilled- he planned on getting drunk once we found a safe house. In my opinion, I just never really cared about beer. I found the taste gross. I preferred some wine now and then and that was about it for me. I shook my head. That meant we'd have to board up the house- literally- with wood. Every way, in and out, would have to be boarded up and that also meant we would be sleeping up in an attic, with one of those doors that you had to pull up, so none of the diseased could come up.

“Board up the house with wood?  Isn’t that like saying ‘patching pants with fabric’?”
“Heh, I love logic in badfic.” Cadmar sighed, “Going to a barbershop? Why are they messing around, find a damn house already!”

After boarding up the house tightly I began making dinner for Talla and me using three cans of ravioli, one can of beans and luckily there was a steak in the freezer that Talla had found. We were lucky the electricity was still on in this house and everything in the freezer was fine except for the fridge. Talla the idiot opened it up, and well, have you ever gone on vacation for two weeks and completely forgot about the food in the fridge? Well the stink was worse than that stink, if you know what I mean. The smell was nauseating and because the windows were boarded the smell didn't go away for the longest time.

“Lucky I can’t smell, and is Columbus addressing the readers? Would that be a charge, like, it was done in the movie?” Cadmar asked, peeking around a corner in the house at the canons.
Lucius squinted.  “I don’t know.  How out of character would you say that he is right now?”
“Hmm, thirty percent-ish. He’s not acting too wimpy anymore.”
“Alright...  Hm.”  Lucius paused.  “Well, we’re not quite at character rupture levels, but it is above neuralyzation level.  I’d say write it down just in case.”
“Good idea.”

The house was suddenly broken into by another horde of zombies, prompting the agents to hide in a closet and hope the SEP field held. “Well, this sucks.” Cadmar said, trying to read the Words.
“Hm.  Think I should have Drew give me zombie-killing lessons when I get back?”
“Yes, it wold be a very good idea. Hmm, we skipped a bit, something about...AHA, nevermind, just boring as hell fluff with making food. Oh, and where the hell do you get a fifty foot tree in a city in the USA?” Cadmar scowled.
Lucius shrugged.  “No idea.  I’ve never been there.”  He paused.  “Charge for out-of-nowhere love scene?  Also, how out-of-character would you say they are?  Drew is better at judging it than I am.”
“Let’s get out of here.  The zombies are gone, and I want to get a C.A.D reading.” Cadmar said, slowly opening the door and peeking out.
“Alright.”  Lucius patted his pockets.  “Damn, I seem to have forgotten mine.  You mind doing both of them?”
“Sure.  No yelling, okay? Those zombies look hungry.” Cadmar pulled out her C.A.D and pointed at Columbus and Tallahassee, who were stuck fifty feet up, in a tree.

[Columbus. Male Human. Canon. Out of Character 51%.]

“Oh dear.  That’s getting pretty close to Character Rupture.”  Lucius shook his head.  “It’s probably going to get worse, too.  How’s Tallahassee holding up?”

[Tallahassee. Male Human. Canon. Out of Character 60.5%.]

Lucius paused.  “Ah.  Now we have Character Rupture.  Let’s hope we don’t have to deal with a replacement.”

I was taken by surprise when we heard gunfire and shit load of it. I would've almost fallen out of the tree if it hadn't been for Talla. He pulled me tightly into his chest

“Ew, I am glad we are down here, it look like he trying to absorb him, gross.” Cadmar looked away.
Lucius paled.  “Alright, charging for horrific biology.”

I wonder if his eyes were darting around the ground looking for whoever it was shooting. Eventually the gunfire died down. "Hey, you can come down now," A Spanish accented voice shouted up to us.

Talla shifted behind me. "Hold on," his gruff voice spoke directly into my ear. I held on to him as he climbed both of us down the tree. After meeting our acquaintances they were at least nice enough to give us a few guns and a car from their group. We had thanked them and headed our separate ways.

“Oh wow, what an Ass Pull! Seriously, you give ONE WORD of description to them. Totally Plot Devices!” Cadmar was breathing heavily, “Here, hold the bag, I’ll be RIGHT back.” Cadmar handed Lucius the bag and stomped off after the Generic people, un-clipping her cleaver from her back
Lucius shrugged, and wrote down a charge for Deus Ex Machina.
Cadmar returned a few minutes later, blood splattered all over her shirt and face, and holding a bloody and dripping cleaver. “There, all fixed.” she said with a smile.
Lucius nodded.  “You... didn’t take their eyes, right?”
“No... Why?”
“Oh, no reason.”

The agents hopped into the back seats of the Generic Car the two canons found.
“What a generic piece of crap,” Cadmar said, “I bet it only gets FM on the radio.”
“What’s a radio?”
“Not worth explaining.”

Eventually, a few hours by car, we made it to a city. It had quarantine signs up and there was the occasional zombie. The people in the city probably took off once the break out started. I had heard on the news before the power went out that most people evacuated cites, moving to remote areas.

“‘Break out’? So, the zombies must have been in prison before then. Pretty crappy prison if they all escaped.” Cadmar said.
“Indeed.  Charge for not knowing what an outbreak is.”

Talla had found a nice very high flat for us. It was spacious and I walked around freely without worrying I would walk into something.

“That sure was a tense monent. Not!” Cadmar scoffed and wiped her cleaver off on her shirt. ‘Way to ruin a perfectly good tense moment.”
Lucius shook his head.  “I love how this fic manages to suck all the life out of the source material.  Truly a pleasant experience.”
“Well, the chapter is ending.” Cadmar said, as the world around them became darker, until it was only black. “According to the words, we actually get to see Wichita and Little Rock next and... well shit.”
“Oh, is it this part?”  Lucius swiped Cadmar’s pack of Bleepettes and shoved the lot of them into his mouth.

I looked over to my sister little rock as she slept in her seat. We finally had come to pacific play land. "Come on" I shook my sister awake grinning at her the whole time. "What" she awoke grumpily then looked out the window. Little rock turned and grinned at me as I did the same to her. "Were here she shouted happily" pulling up to the gate we unlocked the gate by ramming it with the car.

“No! No! I need those too!” Cadmar grabbed the pack back, taking a few out. “Here, these should help.”
Lucius glared at Cadmar.  “Have you looked at the Words?  Two is not going to gut it!”
“I KNOW that,” Cadmar said lighting three in her mouth, “Wait.. gut it?”
“Yes.  When the memories are this bad, you don’t cut them out, you gut them out.”

We laughed together as we drove into the park. We both hopped out of the car and headed to the powerhouse of pacific play land. We were exited; I leaned forward and started to flip the giant switches in the powerhouse turning everything on. The lights flashed, rides activated and all we can do was grin and have fun. Then things took a turn for the worse.

“Oh god, we’re going to need Medical so bad for...for un, who are they again?” Cadmar asked with a dazed expression.
Lucius sighed.  “Godsdammit, why am I being responsible?  Yes.  We are going to need to take Wichita and Little Rock to Medical.”  He paused.  “Look, if I open the portal, can you bring them?  We’re going to need you a bit more lucid for the rest of the mission.”
“Yeah... yeah sure.” Cadmar shook her head to try and clear it.

We saw a few zombies coming "come on" I grabbed little rock and dragged her off the ride we were on. Eventually after running from them we got on a different ride and went up to the top were it stopped. Soon our bullets vanished having use them to shoot the zombies off the ride. Then the hundreds were climbing the ride. After using our guns as clubs we soon lost everything.

Lucius looked panicked.  “Cadmar, we need to do something.”
“Open the portal! We’ll nab ‘em and run!” Cadmar pulled out her Beretta.
“Alright.  Give me a moment...”  He fiddled with the generator.  Valuable seconds were wasted before he finally managed to get it to fizzle to life.  “This is probably a bad time to mention I’m terrible with these, isn’t it?”
Lucius paused, and stepped out behind the zombies.  “OI!  WANKERS!”
“Hey! Make sure your stuff is left for me to loot, eh?” Cadmar said as she grabbed Little Rock and Wichita and dragged them through the portal.
“Whatever.”  He pulled out Drew’s machete, and set off at a run.

Several minutes later, he found himself at the edge of the water. “Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger.”  He looked around wildly.  He spotted a dumpster next to a nearby building.  Seeing no other avenue of escape, he climbed up on top of it.  Once up there, he took a chance, and looked behind him.  The zombies were gaining.  With a quick prayer, he jumped up, grabbing the lip of the building and pulling himself up on to the roof.
“ ‘ello guvnor, top o’ the morning!” Cadmar said brightly, standing beside a portal. “You left the RA behind.”
Lucius started.  “Oh.  That would have made things a lot easier.”  He paused.  “So would a SimGen, really.”  He shrugged. “How are they doing?”
“They’re okay, I knocked them over the head with my cleaver and dumped them in Medical.” Cadmar pulled a smoke grenade from her bag, “We should probably go before they get up here.”
Lucius nodded.  “Fair enough.”  With that, he ducked through the portal.
Cadmar pulled the pin and tosses the grenade down the building, “Looks like I’m not the only smoker here.” she said with a snicker as she followed Lucius.

Lucius looked around his barely described surroundings.  “Oh, hey, we’re back in the apartment.”
“And just in time for some slash. Where’s my lighter... ”
“I stole it.  Sorry, force of habit.”  Lucius sheepishly handed Cadmar her lighter.

wrapping my own arms around the man and began to kiss him. Our tongue clashed for dominance I forfeited in the end. Talla soon led me to the bed my cheeks felt flushed, as I looked half lidded up at Talla. I looked up at his body shadow as the moon shone from

“Okay, so we jump them together, hold them at gunpoint. Sound good?”
Lucius shook his head.  “I don’t have a gun.”

behind him. The bed shifted and he climbed onto me and kissed my neck before sucking. "Talla" I moaned out he pulled back to whisper in my ear. "My name is Dallas" and continued to kiss my neck I shifted 'jimmy I whispered into his ear as well.

“Hmm. If I recall correctly, only Wichita revealed her name.” Cadmar said, “Charge worthy?”
“Very much so.  While Wichita did reveal her name, Columbus did not.”

muscle. I shivered as he pushed a hand underneath my shirt and helped me take it off. Then we were kissing again with a hot passion. Soon Dallas and I were naked I felt his

“Gah! Okay, that’s enough of that!” Cadmar walked up to Columbus and Tallahassee and pointed her Beretta at them. “Hands up!”
Lucius followed behind.  “Hey, uh, how do we do this?  I’ve never been on a bad slash mission before.”
 “Well, we take the DVD case, and you hit them on the head with it, and shout stuff. ‘Avaunt, ye spirits of Bad Slash’ and so on.” Cadmar said with a shrug.  “You, Dallas, other side of the room, or shorty’s brains will be the new wallpaper.”
Lucius grabbed the DVD case, and thwacked Columbus over the head with it.  “Oi!  Bad Slash spirits!  Get out of his mind!”
“Er... Try something more archaic!” Cadmar said.
 “Alright.”  Lucius shrugged, and continued hitting Columbus.  “Oi!  Ye horrendous spirits of Bad Slash!  Leave this character!”  He paused for a moment.  “The power of Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese compels you!” A cloud of purple mist exited out of Columbus’s mouth, coalescing into a vaguely humanoid form for a second before disappearing.
“Okay, one down.” Cadmar said, “Now just rinse and repeat for Tallahassee.”
Lucius nodded, and began to thwack Tallahassee sharply upside the head.  “Out foul blemish upon canon!  Begone!  The power of Twinkies compels you!” Tallahasse convulsed as well, vomiting out a purpleish cloud, which dispersed as quickly as the first.
“Yay for naked guys everywhere.” Cadmar pulled out the neuralyzer from her bag, “Yo, non PPC dudes! Look at me!”
Lucius put on a pair of Ray-Bans.  “I wonder if Drew noticed these were missing.”
“Tallahassee, you have never told anyone your name.  Neither have you, Columbus. You two don’t hate Wichita and Little Rock, and you aren’t in love with each other. Columbus, you like Wichita.” Cadmar paused, “Anything else Lucius?”
“You are about to put on clothes.”
Cadmar thought for a moment, “You two just rescued the girls from Pacific Playland, and you are all off to have adventures and stuff.” Cadmar opened a portal, “I’ll grab them, you find them a car for them to drive off in.” she said to Lucius.
“Couldn’t we just bring them all back to the apartment?  We’re going to need to Neuralyze Wichita and Little Rock as well.”
Cadmar blinked, “Yeah, that’s a way better idea. Be right back.”


 “Well, that was interesting. Too bad it wasn’t a Sue, that would have been fun.” Cadmar said, stepping out of the portal, and back into her RC.
 Lucius shrugged.  “Zombieland Sues are pretty terrible.  Drew seems to have a thing about their eyes.”  He bowed.  “It has been a pleasure working with you.”
“Yeah, you too. Hope we can do it again.” Cadmar looked down at her shirt, “Hmm, time to change. Well, see ya later.”
Lucius nodded.  “I have to go find Drew.  Keep well!”

And with that, they went their separate ways.

A few minutes later...

“What do you mean you’re extending my time as a girl!?” Cadmar shouted to the screen of the Console, or specifically, the picture of the SO that it was showing.
Just that. The SO replied, sounding more annoyed then usual.
“But... but why?”
Since your small mind seems incapable of remembering things, I shall enlighten you. You. Have. Forgotten. ANOTHER. Crash Dummy. Is that simple enough?
“Y-yes sir...”
The screen returned to being blank, Cadmar dropped to her knees and threw her head back.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”

The End

[Caddy’s AN: So, yeah. Forgot about the Crash Dummy Again, and we had to make some changes. And then we forgot to retrieve it, so we rolled with it. This was fun to write, Tray’s agents are great to spork with. In all honesty, this could have been a fun AU, if done well. It is too bad Columbus being blind was only for the Hurt/Comfort effect. And killing off Wichita and little Rock was just nasty.

Tray’s AN: Wee!  Another one down!  This one was a lot of fun to write.  It took a while, but I think it was worth it.  Also, Caddy pretty much said everything I was going to.  To quote the Heavy, “WE MAKE GOOD TEAM!”]

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