Thursday, 11 August 2011

Lucius and Drew: Second Intermission

[Disclaimer: I do not own the PPC. That is the property of Jay and Acacia. Also, there is a lot of exposition in this one, so if you wanted to figure out exactly how the events of the last couple of things I’ve done got set in motion for yourself, I’d recommend that you read my Permission Piece, found here. Thanks goes to Caddy-Shack, Miah, EllipsisFlood, and gaijinguy for beta work.]

Agent Lucius sighed. It had been about a day since his partner, Agent Drew Charles had been released from Medical. Since then, he had spent most of the time sleeping. This was unusual for Drew, for several reasons.
He drummed his fingers on the console. They had a new mission. Lucius didn’t recognise the continuum, but he figured Drew would wake up on his own time.
Suddenly, he felt a tight grip around his chest, accompanied by his partner’s familiarly low voice.  “Grah, bearhug!”
Lucius sighed, part in jest, part in relief. “Hey mate. How are you feeling now?”
“Mmm. Mildly better.”
Lucius paused. “You’re getting aroused by this, aren’t you?”
Drew giggled. “Maybe a little.”
Lucius wormed out of friend’s grip. “Well, it’s good to see you’re back.” He paused again. “We’ve got a new fic up, and I’m not entirely familiar with the continuu-”
Drew put a hand over his partner’s mouth. “It can wait. First, I need to explain everything to you.”
“Didn’t you already do that?”
“Not fully, or completely.”
Lucius nodded tentatively. “Are you going to be able to handle it?”
Drew stared at his friend. “Yeah. I think... I think I’m feeling up to it now.” He sighed. “This is going to take a while, though. I probably won’t shut up for a little bit. You okay with that?”
Lucius grinned weakly. “Of course I am, mate. I’m more worried about how okay you are with it.”
“Alright. Well, brace yourself.” He took a deep breath. “Alright, so, I was infected shortly before I was recruited. There’s a couple of possibilities for when that happened.” He looked up. “Do you remember, back when you first got to the RC, how I mentioned that it was good to have a partner again?”
Lucius blinked. “Drew, that wasn’t that long ago.”
“Yeah, well, it feels like it’s been a few months.” He sighed. “Anyways, you asked me whether or not I was a new agent, and my reply got cut off by the console.”
“Drew, I know all of this.”
“Shut up. I’m explaining.” He scowled at his partner. “As I was saying, I wasn’t exactly a new agent. I’d been waiting on a partner for... I don’t know... Four or five days, maybe?” He sighed. “Anyways, back in my continuum, before I left, I’d had a partner, by the name of Tom Reynold. He was from New York.” He paused. “I’m not entirely sure what he did before the outbreak, but I’m pretty sure it was illegal. That’s irrelevant now, though. I ran into him, and after a rather tense stand-off, we decided to team up. It’s safer that way.” He sighed again. “I’m not going to lie, I had a bit of a... thing for him.”
Lucius nodded. “I can see that happening with you.”
Drew waggled his eyebrows. “Can you see that happening with us?”
“No. I most definitely cannot.”
“Your loss. Anyways, we had many epic adventures. We killed zombies, and did some other stuff. It was very... I don’t know. It was a thing.” He sighed. “It wasn’t anything particularly special, just two random guys who got by more on luck than on skill.” He tilted his head. “Actually, Tom seemed to know what he was doing...” He shrugged. “Whatever. Anyways, at one point, we found an abandoned watchtower. Long story short, Tom got bitten.”
Lucius stiffened. “Oh. I think I know where this is going.”
Drew snorted. “You don’t know the half of it. I got a bit of a scratch at the same time. It wasn’t anything major, not enough to be infected. That came... later. Anyways, he... well...” He wiped at the corners of his eyes. “He shot himself.”
Lucius walked over to his partner and stood by him awkwardly. “Do you need a...” He trailed off into silence.
“No, I’ll be fine.” Drew swallowed heavily. “Anyways, well, after he shot himself, I guess I got some blood into the scratch from earlier, and, well...” He shuddered. “That’s how I got infected.”
Lucius stared at Drew. “Screw it.”
“Wha-”
Drew was cut off by an unexpected hug. “Quiet. I suspect you need this.”
“This isn’t going to get... interesting, is it?”
“You are not going to get laid, no.”
“Damn.” Drew sighed. “Anyways, now that we’ve got that bit out of the way, onto how the infection process actually works.”
“You already explained this to me.”
Drew shook his head. “Not all that well.” He made a vague gesture. “So, I guess how it works is that HQ has a certain... effect on the process. Part of it has to do with how space-time is all messed up here, so I won’t reanimate fully. Just as I get damaged.” He gestured at his stomach. “So, right now, the only part of me that’s actually turned is my digestive system.”
“What’s the other part?”
“Well, this isn’t official, but, I’m pretty sure that at least part of the process is based on how I perceive it as working. So, I guess my reanimated bits will work the same way as a normal zombie, and everything else will work the same way as a normal human.”
Lucius nodded. “I will take your word for it.”
Drew grinned. “Well, I think that’s about it for explaining. At least, as far as relevant explanations go.” He gestured at the console. “Now, you mentioned a mission?”
“...Drew, are you sure you’re up for a mission at the moment?”
“Oh hells no. I’ve still got a gaping hole through my abdomen. I’d imagine it’d take a couple of days for something like that to heal up.”
“A couple of da-”
Drew cut his friend off. “Reanimation works the way I interpret it to. Don’t try to talk to me about it, otherwise I’ll start to think about it. And once I think about it, it will actually work that way. I like it working this way. Best case scenario, really.”
Lucius paused. “Alright. I really don’t get what you mean, but I’ll go with it.” Another pause. “Wait, if you’re out of commission, what about missions? I can’t imagine I’d be allowed to not do anything...”
Drew shrugged. “I’m sure there’ll be something for you in the meantime.”

[BEEEEEEEEEEP]
“See? Told you so!”
Lucius sighed, and wandered over to the console.

[A/N: Whelp, I guess that’s about it for the exposition. I’ve not really got much to say for now, just that the next mission I had planned was going to be an Evil Dead fic. I’m probably not going to do that, as I honestly can’t make heads or tails of it. Also, I’m still working until September. So, no new missions for a while.]

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Lucius and Drew: Expository Intermission

[Disclaimer: I do not own the PPC.  That is the property of Jay and Acacia.  Drew and Lucius, on the other hand, are mine.]


    Agent Lucius Sievert, Department of Floaters, paced the waiting room of Medical nervously.  It had been several hours since he had dropped his partner, Agent Drew Charles, off.  Drew had been moderately incapacitated due to a near-fatal wound during their last mission.  Agent Lucius was somewhat unsure of the events that had followed, but as far as he could gather, his partner had something wrong with his blood that had revealed a previously underlying condition.
    Understandably, he was worried, confused, and somewhat frightened.

    After what felt like several more hours of pacing, a door opened.  Lucius turned just in time to see Drew stumble out.
    “Drew!”  Lucius rushed over to his partner.  “Are you alright?”
    Drew slumped against his partner.
    Lucius started.  “...Drew?”
    Drew remained silent.
    “Drew.  Seriously.  What is going on?”  Lucius pushed his friend to arms length.  “...Are you crying?”
    “A little bit, yeah.”
    “I am assuming that none of what you just found out was good news.”
    Drew nodded.
    “I am also assuming that you are going to be needing a bit of time off.”
    Drew paused, then continued nodding.
    “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
    Drew continued nodding.  “Can we just get back to the RC?  I need to lie down for a bit.”
    Lucius nodded.  “Alright.  Whatever you need, mate.”

    Trips through HQ take faster when the involved parties are distracted.  Mortal wounds and general concern do wonders for this.  Before long, the duo had arrived at Response Centre 43042.

    Drew wandered over to the pile of blankets that served as his bed.  “So, you want to know what happened?”  He sat down heavily.
    Lucius nodded.  “Whenever you’re ready.”
    Drew sighed.  “Alright.”  He curled up.  “I might fall asleep in the middle of explaining.  If I do, please don’t wake me up.”
    Suddenly, the console beeped loudly.
    Lucius punched it.  “Shush, you.”
    “Thanks, man.”  Drew nodded absently.  “So, you know how I come from a ‘verse with zombies, right?”
    His partner nodded.
    “Well, at some point, I got infected.  Which means that, well, I’m a zombie now.”
    Lucius peered at his friend.  “You don’t... look that undead.”
    Drew shook his head.  “That’s because the whole weird time-space thing in HQ kinda... Iunno.”  He rubbed his temples.  “Sorry, I was kind of... in shock, I guess.  I’m trying to think about how the doc explained it.”  He sighed again.  “I guess... well, I’m not turning proper.  I joined the PPC before I turned, so my body is intact, but my mind... well, it’s the only part that’s going to decay at a consistent rate.  So, my sanity will probably degrade over time, and moments like this, where, well, I’m lucid will get less and less common.”

    There was a lengthy pause.

    “Lucius?”
    “Yeah?”
    Drew took a rather shaky breath.  “I’m scared.”

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Short bit featuring Agent Lucius

[Disclaimer: I do not own the Gentleman Bastards Sequence.  That is the property of Scott Lynch.  I do however, own the characters involved in this story.  Also, quite a bit of language in this one.  Thanks to Caddy-Shack, FlareShard, JulyFlame, and gaijinguy for beta work.]


    It is easy enough to kill someone with a knife.  It’s just a matter of knowing where to slip it.  Between ribs, into the heart, or maybe the lungs.  It’s simple anatomy.

    What takes real skill is to kill somebody from the inside out.  Destroy everything they have ever accomplished, kill their family, kill their friends.  You destroy their life, and make them suffer.  Most importantly, you do it right in front of them.  They don’t have to notice, not at first, but the important thing is that they will.  And when they do figure out what’s going on... Well, it’s too late to stop it.

    It is easy enough to bring a person to their knees.  The tricky bit is keeping them there.


    The night was going well.  Everyone was drinking, and everyone was having a good time.  It was fairly typical for the Last Mistake at this time of night.

    Some people were having more fun than others, especially at the card tables.

    Elsewhere, in the shadows, quiet conversations were held.

    “Oi, Lucius, smarten up.  We’re talking serious business, mate.”
    Lucius gestured with his mug of beer.  “Ah, piss off, Julian!”  He grinned widely.  “The Grey King is no big deal.  Just another petty thug.  One of the gangs’ll have him before too long.”  He grinned at the tables third and final occupant.  “Isn’t that right, Basti?”
    Basti grinned.  “Yeah.  ‘E’s a petty thug like the rest of us.”
    Lucius slammed his beer back down.  “Hey!  I take offense to that!”  He giggled slightly.  “You two might be petty thugs, but I most certainly am not!”
    Julian slammed his hands down on the table.  “He is not some petty thug!  If he were, one of the gangs would have gotten to him already!  It’s been weeks!”  He looked at his companions.  “Think about it!  Nobody has seen him, he has left no-one alive, and... well... Barsavi has locked himself up!  This is not how things are supposed to be!  If this isn’t a serious threat, I don’t know what is!”  He took a deep breath.  “I mean, of course Sebastian sides with the mongrel, he’s full fucking Vadran!”
    Lucius paled.  “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
    Julian stood up.  “I’m bloody fucking tired of the two of you teaming up.  Just because Sebastian is Vadran, and you are a fucking Camorri-Vadran mongrel doesn’t mean I’m wrong!”  Throughout all of this, his voice was steadily raising.  Suddenly, he turned to the rest of the crowd.  “Did any of you miss that?  Lucius Sievert is a bloody fucking mongrel!”  With that, he stormed out.
    Sebastian shot his friend a concerned glance.  “Lucius?”
    Lucius drained his mug.  “I’ll be fine.  Let’s just get home.”
    Several hours later, two figures staggered down an alley in the Cauldron.  They stumbled into a doorway.  The taller one fumbled drunkenly with the doorknob.  The shorter swayed slightly, then leaned on it’s compatriot.
    “Lucius, you are leaning on me.”
    “Fuck off, I’m drunk.”
    Sebastian stared at Lucius.  “You know, I sometimes begin to question your tastes.  I mean, you’re fairly handsome.  Short, yes, but still.  I mean, look at that.  Blue eyes, blond hair.  Not that common in Camorr, really.”  He paused.  “Really, why have you never brought anyone home with you?  Your mother’d be ashamed.”
    Lucius hiccuped.  “Basti, I’m not in the mood.”
    “Well, that’s good.  I’m not into guys.”  After a few more tries, he got the door open.  “Alright.  Time for bed, mate.”


    The next day, Lucius stumbled into the kitchen.  “Dear Thirteenth.  I think my brain is about to slip out my ears.”
    Sebastian looked up.  “I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t done that yet.  The gods certainly made it small enough.”
    “Mmf.”  He sat down at the table.  “Gods.  We’re going to have to work tonight, aren’t we?”
    Sebastian shook his head.  “Not likely.  Remember what happened with Julian?”
    Lucius paused, then put his head in his hands.  “Oh, fuck.”  He sighed.  “You know, it’s kind of our fault.”
    Sebastian raised an eyebrow.  “It’s our fault he’s got a thing against Vadrans?”
    “No.  It is our fault that we’ve been teaming up on him for so many years, though.  I don’t blame him for snapping like that.”
    “I imagine the drinking helped.”
    Lucius nodded.  “I imagine it did.”  He stood up.  “We’ll give him a few days to cool off, then we’ll go and talk to him.  Sound good?”
    “Yeah.  Who’s turn is it to talk to No-Hope?”
    Lucius replied without hesitation.  “Yours.  I’m to deal with Tesso.”
    Sebastian laughed.  “You always get the easy jobs, don’t you?”  He stood up.  “I guess I’d better gather everything up then.”
    “You do that.  I’ll meet you at the door.”  He paused for a moment.  “Hey, Basti?”
    “Mm?”
    “Have you seen my knife?”
    Sebastian paused.  “Lucius, you’ve got about thirty knives.  You’ll need to be a bit more specific.”
    Lucius scowled.  “You know exactly what I mean.  I am a bit too hungover for your nonsense.”
    “Nope, sorry.”  Sebastian stroked his chin.  “Don’t you usually leave that under your pillow?”
    “Yeah.  Oh well, I’ll look for it after we’ve done this.”
    Several hours later, the pair had made their weekly tithe to the powers at the top of the thieving community.  With nothing to do in the immediate future, they wandered aimlessly about Camorr.
    “Hey, Basti, what say we get something to eat at the Shifting Market later?”
    Sebastian nodded.  “Sounds good to m-oof!  Dammit, man, watch where you’re walking!”
    Lucius did a double-take.  “Oh, uh, hey Julian.”
    There was a lengthy pause.  Julian was the first one to break the silence.  “Shit, I’m sorry guys.”  He sighed.  “I was drunk last night, and, well, I was kind of worried.  About the Grey King, and, well...”
    Lucius nodded.  “Don’t worry about it, mate.  Drink does weird things to everyone.”
    Sebastian perked up slightly.  “Hey, looks like we can actually do some work tonight.”  He gestured vaguely.  “And, I know the perfect place.”


    Later that night, Julian made his way to the meeting point they had decided on, an empty house in Catchfire.
    “Lucius?  Sebastian?”  He looked around nervously.  He was never exactly punctual for these types of thing.
    Sebastian emerged from the shadows.  “Julian.  You’re on time, for once.”  He paused.  “You know, I haven’t exactly... forgiven you for what you said last night.”
    Julian grimaced.  “Yeah, I know.  I’m really sorr-”  Sebastian cut him off.
    “I am not the one you should be apologising to.  Lucius was a wreck after what you said.”  He sighed.  “I’m assuming he’ll be wanting a spot of... revenge.”
    Julian whipped around to face Lucius.
    “Hey, sorry I’m late, gentlem-”  He was cut off by a sudden splatter of blood emerging from the Camorri’s chest.  “What the fuck?”
    Julian slumped to the floor, dead.
    Sebastian grinned.
    “What the fuck?  Basti... what?  Wh-why did you do that?”
    “Well, that’s a bit of a long story, isn’t it?”  He chuckled.  “You remember, back when we were in the Hill, how you’d steal quite a bit of stuff from me?  Just to make yourself look better?  Do you know how many times I had to go without food?”  His face grew serious.  “Forty times, Lucius.  Forty nights you robbed me of my dinner.”
    “Basti, I-”
    “Don’t you fucking talk to me.”  He sighed, and gestured at Julian.  “You know, I only started picking on him so that you’d do the same.  You, being you, of course took it... a bit too far.  That culminated in the... incident in the Mistake last night.”  The grin had returned to his face.  “So, really, what everyone else heard was what he said about you.  And, I had the genius idea of using, well, your favourite knife.”
    “Basti, I ca-”
    “Ah!  No talking!”  Sebastian giggled.  “Really, now, to everyone else?  You did this.”  He turned on his heel.  “Good night, Lucius.  I’ll be sure to tell everyone that I haven’t seen you since we split up at the Market earlier today.”  He started towards the door.
    “You fucking bastard!  It was years ago!”  He stared at Julian.  “And, Julian!  He never did anything!”
    “People are tools, Lucius.  Until you come to terms with that, you’ll be useless.  Hell, you haven’t even made an honest effort to hurt my feelings yet!”  He shook his head.  “You’re weak, Lucius.  You always have been.  It’s probably the whole ‘mongrel’ thing.”  He shrugged, and continued walking to the door.

    He barely made it halfway.  Lucius grabbed him by the cloak, spinning his one-time friend around to face him.  “Basti, I regret what I’m about to do.  But, this isn’t for me.  This is for Julian.”

    A body hit the floor.

    Second later, a different body slumped to it’s knees, sobbing.

    The body on the floor drew its last breath.  “Just... as... planned.”


    Three people entered the house.

    One particularly short one left.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Lucius and Drew: Mission Three: A Troubled Fanboy

[Disclaimer: I do not own the PPC (Jay and Acacia own that), Madness Combat (Krinkels), or the fic in question (A Troubled Father, written by HJW678).  Also, yet another language warning.  Moderate, this time.  In a bit of a departure from my past missions, it should also be noted that there is a bit of a... distressing scene near the end.  Furthermore, I’m not entirely certain how many people will have seen Madness Combat.  Therefore, a link to the series may be necessary.  The series is very NSFW, mostly due to copious amounts of violence, so just a heads up there.  The entire series can be found here  However, only episodes 9 and 10 are particularly relevant here.  The stories main plot starts after episode 3, and most other information can be found on the relevant wiki.]


    Lucius grimaced.  “Seriously?  The series ends there?  Damn, it was getting awesome, too!  I mean, with the clown!  And the thing!  Damn!”
    Drew shrugged.  “Meh.  Dude who does these has a tendency to break his promises regarding future animations.”  He paused, then shot a confused glance in his partner’s direction.  “Also, you really didn’t seem to be following much aside from the ‘bluh, people getting killed’ bit.”
    “Wait, you mean there was actual plot in there?”
    Drew sighed.  “Eh.  I’ll explain it to you when you’re less tired.”
    His partner nodded.  “That seems fair.”  A pause.  “Whatever, I’m taking a nap right here.  And if you try to wake me up, I will stab you.”
    “Awwwww, is poow widdle Wucius tiiiiiired?”
    Poow widdle Wucius scowled.  “Yes.  Yes he is.  You might not need to sleep, but all of us normal people do.”
    Drew giggled.  “Well, don’t let me get in the way of your wacky normal people hijinks!  You go take that nap!”
    Lucius nodded dully, and proceeded to curl up on the floor.
    This being the PPC, the room immediately filled with the blaring of the console.
    “Auuuuuugh.”
    “I WARNED YOU ABOUT NAPS BRO!”
    Lucius glared at his partner.  “You shut up.  My knifing threat still stands.”
    Drew sighed.  “Well, if you’re going to be a sleepy-headed jerk, I guess I’ll just prep for the mission while you nap.  Don’t expect to get the good weapons.”
    Lucius nodded.  “Thanks, mate.”

    Sometime later, Lucius woke up, finding himself face-to-face with a rather irate looking Drew.
    “Holy Thirteenth that is not what I wanted to wake up to.”
    “FNORF!”
    He stood up groggily, taking a couple of seconds to process what his partner had said.  “Oh gods.  What did the Suethor do this time?”
    Drew continued scowling.  “Actually, the incoherent bluhing about was directed at you, Captain Can’t-spot-the-plot.”
    Lucius stared at Drew groggily.  “Drew, what the hell are you talking about?”
    “We’ve got a badfic set in Madness Combat.  It’s not a Suefic, this time.  We’ve got full on possession.  Of Hank and Sanford.”
    “Wait, both Hank and Sanfor-”  Lucius pondered this for a moment.  “When’s it set?”
    Drew sighed.  “Supposedly, after the end of the series.  It’s got pointless speculation, which is pointed out via an in-line authors note, as well as Hank still having the claw on his arm after the end of the series.  Also, the author makes him into a psychotic manchild.”  He stood up, and wandered over to the console.  “You’ve been asleep for a couple of hours, so I took the liberty of making some preparations.”
    Lucius stood up and stretched.  “What kind of preparations?”
    Drew nodded absent-mindedly.  “Yeah, still have to find that.”
    Lucius paused.  “No, Drew, I mean what preparations have you made?”
    Drew jerked around.  “Oh!  Sorry, I was trying to think of what we’re going to use for canon materials.”  He scratched his chin.  “Anyways, I’ll worry about that after I’ve brought you up to speed.”
    “Alright.  How do we perform an exorcism?”
    “Well, that’s one of the things I’ve had to prep for.  Basically, we need a candle, a book, and a bell.  We also have to draw a chalk circle around the canons.”
    Lucius suddenly looked worried.  “We’re going to have to knock out Hank?”
    Drew grimaced.  “Yeah.  And, I’m not entirely certain, but I’m pretty sure that either Hank or Sanford are character replacements.  I’ve got each of us a CAD, just in case.”  He shook his head.  “Man, even if they are replacements, they’d be bloody hard to kill.”
    “So, basically, it is entirely likely that one or more of us might die in the process of killing this thing.”
    Drew nodded.  “Yeah.  However, to minimise the chances of us dying, we’re heading in as A.T.P Agents!”  He threw his arms up in mock celebration.  “So, I’ve got the bell, and the candle.  However, the book needs to be canon material.  This is the main problem here, as, well, it’s kind of hard to get canon materials when the canon in question is an animation series.  On the Internet.”
    Lucius perked up.  “Don’t you have the entire series on your laptop?”
    Drew stared at his partner.  “...I will shoot you, man.”
    “Well, if you can’t get your hands on some canon material, I’m pretty sure that using something that has the series itself on it will work!”
    Drew fumed.
    “Oh!  You have the soundtrack on there, too!  I think that’d be a bonus!”
    Drew whimpered.
    His partner grinned.  “I mean, it’s not like we’ve got anything else!
    “Alright!  Fine!  Geeze!  We’ll use the bloody laptop!”  He stopped scratching his chin.  “It is going to break.  You are going to get me a replacement.  I will bite you if you don’t.”  He paused.  “Also, you have to learn how to use the portal generator.”

    Several false starts later, the portal to the fic was successfully opened.
    “It’s short, so get your CAD at the ready.”
    Lucius scowled.  “Drew.  It took you an hour to teach me how to use the portal generator.  I don’t think I’m going to pick up how to use it any time soon.”
    Drew turned on his heel to face his partner.  “Dude.  You just point it at the character.  It’s not that hard to noodle through.”
    “Oh.”

"Daddy?"
"Not now Hank"
"Daddy?"
"Hank! Not now!"
"Daddy!"
"HANK!...Look, Go to your room. Please, Daddy needs time alone"
"...I love you Daddy"
"I know Hank...I know"
Sanford sighed heavily; it wasn't easy being a single parent, not since that day. Ever since The Auditor had tripped up on a banana skin and died, (Slight guess of how The Auditor will be defeated, there!) Sanford had finally retired from the agency in which he and Deimos and Hank had been part of.

    Drew flinched at the in-line Author’s note, then glanced at his CAD.  “Ah, crap.  Sanford’s a replacement.”  He nodded to himself.  “Well, that’s not surprising, considering what happens later.”
    “Drew?  You’re really not going to like this, buuuut, we’re going to have to kill Hank, as well.”
    Drew paused.  The pause continued for several seconds.  “Well, uh, shit.”

Deimos...
How he missed him.

    “Drew?  Is this going where I think it’s going?”
    “Yes.  I have no idea how it does that, I wasn’t aware that they even had sexuality, but, y’know, whatever.”

Sanford had loved Deimos like a younger brother, but Deimos could be so ignorant. Sanford remembered their last mission together; Deimos had taken a dead A.T.P agents mask and tried to scare Sanford. But that was in the past now, Sanford now had to look after Hank, who was still a giant with a huge mutant claw for a hand. He was a moron, an IQ of only 3...And yet, he was powerful, he had killed the Mag V.3 agent without too much difficulty, he was also still extremely aggressive, if he were to misplace his Bob the builder drinking cup,, Then Sanford would have to bring out "Mr Sparkles" a sock puppet and the mutant Hank's fave toy to calm him right down.

    Lucius grimaced.  “Oh dear Thirteenth.  What is wrong with this author?”
    Drew’s response was slightly less measured than his partner’s.  With his fingers jammed into his ears, he began to sing in a very weak voice.  “I like it, I’m not gonna crack, I miss you, I’m not gonna crack, I love you, I’m not gonna crack, I killed you, I’M NOT GONNA CRACK!”
    Lucius grabbed his partner by the shoulders.  “Keep it down, mate.  We’ll be okay!  We will get through this!”
    “Not alive, we won’t.”

Sanford rubbed his template slowly, he just couldn't cope with the stress, and he needed a miracle to get him out of this depression. He could go fishing, after all, he was a champion at that, and no other person could catch agents like him, he was a master of the hook. But then he knew he wouldn't be able to, he had sold his hook to make money to pay to look after Hank.
Sanford finally made his mind up. He got up and went into his private office room. On the walls were many different pictures of him and Deimos, laughing...Having a good time. At first he and Deimos had once had normal lives, but that changed quickly, but Sanford remembered, he remembered his and Deimos 1st mission together.

    “Non-canonical flashback?”
    Drew had switched songs now.  “I’m not giving in to security under pressure, I’m not missing out on the promise of adventure...”
    Lucius sighed, and mentally noted the charge for later.

"Sanford?"
"Yes Deimos?"
"I was watching you fight...When we had to stop the agent's building that tank, your skills...You were amazing...and I...I..."
"Spit it out Deimos, i don't wanna hear your whiny voice forever"
"I...I...I...Love you..."
"...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"
"I'm sorry Sanford! But I can't hide it!"
"YOU FUCKING FREAK!"
"Please Sanford! Why are you always so cold? Why can't you just be a little more supportive for me!
"BECAUSE, I HATE YOU! I HATE WORKING WITH YOU! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO MAKE A FUCKING JOKE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MISSION! I NEARLY DIED WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING THAT TANK WHILE I WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT!"
"...I'm sorry Sanford"

    “Drew, what the hell am I looking at?”
    “Mental wounds still screaming, life’s a bitter shame...”  He trailed off into silence.
    Lucius looked concerned.  “It’s going to be okay, man.  We’ll pull through this.”
    His partner sat down and put his head in his hands.  “Dear Armok.  How is it possible to do this much damage to a canon that has pretty much no rules?  It’s insane!”  He looked up at Lucius.  “I have an idea for killing Hank.”
    Lucius sat down as well.  “What is it?”
    “Okay, so, Sanford is a normal person, pretty much.  He’s a skilled fighter, though.  So, clearly, we have to get to him before he has a chance to react.  I’ve got the Mossberg, and that’ll take most of his brain clear out.  So, you read the charges, and I’ll sneak up behind him.”
    “And for Hank?”
    “Well, that’s the difficult bit.  I doubt that the replacement will be anywhere near as tough as he is in the actual series.”  He handed Lucius his machete.  “So, I’ll do as much as I can with the shotgun.  Your job is to finish him off, and then get the claw-hand off with this.  He shouldn’t have that, so it’ll probably help us find where the plothole that the real Sanford and Hank are hidden in.”
    Lucius nodded.  “Alright.  You sure you can handle this, mate?”
    Drew smiled.  “More than sure.  Just follow my lead.”

Sanford looked down from the pictures on the wall, that 1st mission had been when Deimos had looked at Sanford and told the truth, though they never had talked about it again...
Sanford sat down at his desk, and took off his sunglasses and put them on the desk; the light soon was shining off them as the new sun began to set. Soon Sanford found himself fallen asleep...
"Sanford! Wake up!"
"...Dei...mos?"
"Thank fuck! You're alive! We were hit by a fallen building, it must
have been the improbability drive"
"The...Higher...Powers...Must of...Been...Deimos...Help me up"
"Sure...Fuck, your bleeding heavily..."
"Deimos..Tell me...Did...Hank...Survive?"
"...FUCK..."
"What...Happened?"
"Tricky...Killed Hank"
"You're lying Deimos...Please...Hank is not dead...He can't be...FUUUUCK!...THOSE 1337 AGENTS ARE GOING TO FUCKING PAY!"
Sanford woke up.

    Lucius grimaced.  “It’s bad enough that the canon characters that are in the story have been replaced.  I really didn’t need the extra bad writing.”
    Drew continued smiling.
    “Drew, that is an incredibly creepy smile.  Please stop it.”

Sanford picked up Deimos's hat off the desk, he had picked it up when He and Hank had watched The Auditor die.
Finally, Sanford couldn't hold it in anymore.
He threw the hat across the room and stood up, he grabbed the desk and flipped it over, sending pictures and Sanford's glasses flying, he then began to smash the pictures on the floor, the glass flying all over the floor.
"WHY! WHY HANK! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL THAT FUCKING BOOM BOX GUY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE! DEIMOS WOULD BE ALIVE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FUCKING RETARD!"
"...Daddy?"
Hank had walked in to the office to see his daddy screaming and throwing things around. This confused Hank deeply. Why was his daddy getting so worked up? Was this his own fault?
Sanford looked up and lifted his hands up, he saw his hands were covered in his own blood and were shaking slightly.
"Daddy...I wanted to show you something..."
"W...What is it Hank?"
Hank's normal hand had been hiding behind his back, but now he pulled it out, and in his hand...was a white piece of paper. Hank's eyes, which were covered by his large red goggles, were slightly stinging, as he was trying hard not to cry, he wanted to be brave for his daddy.

    “Hey, Lucius?”
    “Yeah, mate?”
    Drew’s smile widened.  “We should take those goggles as a trophy.”
    Lucius looked moderately disconcerted.  “Drew... You’re really freaking me out.  Seriously, stop it.”

Sanford took the piece of paper and looked at it. On it, was a picture, it was a very crude drawing but he could see it what it was quite clearly. Hank had drawn Sanford himself with Hank, they were holding hands and Hank had given him a big smile, two arrows pointed to them with the words "DADDY" and "ME" at the end of them.
Sanford looked up from the drawing at his mental son, his hands continuing to shake. For a few seconds they said nothing, but it felt like a lifetime for the two heroes, but then Hank broke the silence.
"Daddy...Hank sorry...For you...You Angry with Hank cuz of De-mo?"
Sanford knew Hank was talking about Deimos, maybe he wasn't as stupid as Deimos had programmed him to be, and maybe Deimos had given Hank something else when he had thrown him into that machine.
Maybe...He had given Hank emotions and feelings for others...
Of course...That would be a thing Deimos would do...Because he had loved Sanford.
Finally, Sanford couldn't hold it in, he went over to his son and wrapped his hands around Hank and hugged him, he then began to cry.
"Hank...I love you son...don't you ever fucking forget that...I will always love you...because your my son, nothing can change that"
"I love you too daddy..."

    Drew tapped Lucius on the shoulder.  “Alright, let’s go!”
    Lucius swallowed.  “Alright!  Good luck, mate!”  With that, he stepped between Hank and Sanford.

    “Sanford, last name unknown, you are charged with replacing a canon character, inserting sexuality into a canon in which it has no place, except perhaps in certain non-canonical side animations, making Hank into your son, making Hank into a complete idiot, thereby replacing him, irritating PPC agents, and generally being a jerk.”
    With that, a shot rang out.
    The replacement Sanford slumped to the floor.
    “Oh gods.  I’m covered in brains.”  Lucius sighed, and turned to Hank.

    “Hank, you are charged with being a replacement of Hank J. Wimbleton, and, well, pretty much the same things as Sanford.  Oh, and with being a total woobie of a character who really should not be a woobie.”  He turned to Drew.  “Alright, mate, do your thing!”

    Several more shots rang out, followed by a bloodcurdling scream.
    Lucius rushed over to his partner.  “Oh, shit!  Drew!”
    Drew collapsed.  “Kill him!  Kill the bloody spare!”  He waved Lucius off.
    “You’ve been impaled!”
    “Oh, really?  I hadn’t noticed!”  Drew slumped down in a slowly growing puddle of yellow blood.  “Cut his arm off, then, I don’t know, get through his ribcage or something”  He grimaced.  “...Man, this doesn’t hurt as much as you’d expect it to.”

    There were some wet thunks as Lucius got to work.  After about a quarter of a minute, there was a significantly louder thump as the replacement Hank hit the ground.
    Drew nodded weakly, staring at the claw protruding from his stomach.  “Alright.  That’s good.”  He gestured at a spot near his feet.  “My blood’s disappearing into there.  That’s probably where the plothole is.  Grab Sanford, pull him out, then portal Hank out.”  He held up two pairs of sunglasses, and a longish, silver object.  “I set the Neuralyzer to blank them out for the duration of the fic.  Put on the sunglasses, and hit the button.”
    Lucius swallowed again.  “Alright.  I’ll get right on that.”  He shot a worried glance at his partner.  “Just... stay with me, mate.”

    Several minutes later, Lucius was grabbing his partner by the arm.  “Alright.  I’m going to portal us directly to medical.”
    Drew was panting by this point.  “Wait.  Get the goggles.”
    Lucius paused.  “Drew, you’re not thinking strai-”
    Drew punched him weakly.  “Hey, I’m the boss here.  Get the Armokdamned goggles.”

    “The mission was going so well!  I mean... I... we charged the one an- and then...”  Lucius desperately tried to explain the recent events of the mission to the doctor.  “There was the shooting, I mean, that was good, and it weakened the bugger, but then-”  He took a long shuddering breath.  “Claw, right... Right through the stoma-”
    “Guys?”  Drew looked up weakly.
    Lucius whipped around to face his partner.  “Drew, don’t... Don’t talk, mate.  Save your strength.”
    Drew shook his head.  “Guys... I... uh... I’m... I’m not bleeding.”  He stood up shakily.
    Lucius stopped looking panicky for a brief second.  “That’s... uh...”
    Drew raised his arms.  “Well... uh.. this... it’s not blood.”

    Indeed, Drew’s arms and stomach weren’t covered with blood, as one might expect.

    Instead, they were covered with a different liquid.

    A thick, black ooze.

    The blood of a zombie.